I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.


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DANIEL HANDLER
And this note was a jittery time bomb, ticking beneath my normal life, in my pocket all day firecely...
DANIEL HANDLER
How wrong to think I was anyone else, like thinking grass stains make you a beautiful view, like get...
DANIEL HANDLER
It was a secret time and place, you next to me, untraceable and out of this world.
DANIEL HANDLER
And the truth is that I'm not, Ed, is what I wanted to tell you. I'm not arty like everyone s...
DANIEL HANDLER
I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.
DANIEL HANDLER
I'm telling you why we broke up, Ed. I'm writing this letter, the whole truth of why it happened. An...
DANIEL HANDLER
I’m not a romantic, I’m a half-wit. Only stupid people would think I’m smart. I’m not someth...
DANIEL HANDLER
Ed, it was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later and the...
DANIEL HANDLER
I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.
DANIEL HANDLER
I was stupid, the official descriptive phrase for happy.
DANIEL HANDLER
Stop saying no offense,” I said, “when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.
DANIEL HANDLER
Why not rise from the grave and terrorize a little instead of staying buried and dead in the cemeter...
DANIEL HANDLER
Shit, I guess I already loved you then. Doomed like a wineglass knowing it’ll get dropped someday,...
DANIEL HANDLER
I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it th...
DANIEL HANDLER
How many happy people do you think there are in the world? Twelve?
DANIEL HANDLER
I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.
DANIEL HANDLER
I write every day weekdays for about 5 hours, mostly longhand on legal pads. It has gotten neither h...
DANIEL HANDLER
Any playlist without Prince is no friend of mine.
DANIEL HANDLER
I can cook anything.
DANIEL HANDLER
I write longhand on legal pads, about half at home and half in cafes. I drink a lot of water and eat...
DANIEL HANDLER
I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it...
DANIEL HANDLER
I kind of always think my work is unfilmable, and when I meet people who are interested in filming i...
DANIEL HANDLER
I was not a particularly brave child, I think, because I had a narrative mind, because my mind autom...
DANIEL HANDLER
I listen to Morricone, the famed Italian film composer, while I'm working.
DANIEL HANDLER
You see failed vocabulary in the adult world so often, and it's often because once you reach a c...
DANIEL HANDLER
I'm always interested to see what films are made of books. I kind of don't participate as a ...
DANIEL HANDLER
If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the ...
DANIEL HANDLER
'The Long Goodbye' is one book I like to read over and over again, and it was an enormous in...
DANIEL HANDLER
The file clanked against me, my stupid idea nobody would have gotten had I ever done it. You even wo...
DANIEL HANDLER
So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers...
CHELSEA PERETTI
When my father announced his campaign for president on Oct. 3, 1991, I had already cast my vote in f...
CHELSEA CLINTON
There's something about the Pacific Northwest, the scale of it, and the fact that not so long ag...
CHELSEA CAIN
While watching the revelry in the Barn, I'd had an epiphany. Parties weren't just about who was who ...
CHELSEA SEDOTI
Unfortunately, it seems to me that when it comes to issues affecting the trans community, most peopl...
CHELSEA MANNING
Suffrage is not a right afforded to everyone. Rather, voting is a privilege in the United States - a...
CHELSEA MANNING
Wear an unusual accessory to complete your outfit.
CHELSEA LEYLAND
I've always been incredibly proud of both of my parents and proud of the work I had done private...
CHELSEA CLINTON
My grandmother, who passed away at the beginning of November, had a core adage in her life that '...
CHELSEA CLINTON
I hope telling stories though 'Making a Difference' - as in my academic work and nonprofit w...
CHELSEA CLINTON
The best thing about being a DJ is making people happy. There is nothing like seeing people get up f...
CHELSEA LEYLAND
Patriotism is often the cry extolled when morally questionable acts are advocated by those in power....
CHELSEA MANNING
I've been a huge fan of Marc Jacobs for many, many years, even going back to when I was wearing ...
CHELSEA MANNING
Having a birthday around the holidays was never easy and, with every successive year, it felt more a...
CHELSEA MANNING
My mother has often said that the issue of women is the unfinished business of the 21st century. Tha...
CHELSEA CLINTON
I believe that engaging in the political process is part of being a good person.
CHELSEA CLINTON
Oxford is wonderful. I'm having a great time. We do go out, but I still try to spend most of my ...
CHELSEA CLINTON
I certainly believe that all of my friends should have the right, as Marc and I did, to marry their ...
CHELSEA CLINTON
There's something else that my mother taught me, public service is about service. And, as her da...
CHELSEA CLINTON
I hope to make a positive, productive contribution, as cheesy as that may sound.
CHELSEA CLINTON
As a kid, I was pretty obsessed with dinosaurs and the day that my parents took me to Dinosaur Natio...
CHELSEA CLINTON