You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.

I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.