Different beans have different characteristics. Each has their own character and you blend them to g...
DAN HANDLER I was looking for something more personal and more stable and more fun.
DAN HANDLER I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
CHELSEA HANDLER The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it'...
CHELSEA HANDLER You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big b...
CHELSEA HANDLER I didn't like books where people played on a sports team and won a bunch of games, or went to su...
DANIEL HANDLER I like to give people novels I think they would like, on no particular occasion - just when we'r...
DANIEL HANDLER Blank paper has always inspired me.
DANIEL HANDLER Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
CHELSEA HANDLER My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do t...
CHELSEA HANDLER My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good...
CHELSEA HANDLER I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd l...
CHELSEA HANDLER I'm dumping the whole box back into your life Ed, every item of you and me. I'm dumping this box on ...
DANIEL HANDLER I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly...
CHELSEA HANDLER I thought the Barbie doll would always be successful.
RUTH HANDLER Through their play Barbara imagined their lives as adults. They used the dolls to reflect the adult ...
RUTH HANDLER We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'Th...
CHELSEA HANDLER Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and cha...
CHELSEA HANDLER I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denia...
CHELSEA HANDLER It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us...
CHELSEA HANDLER Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.
CHELSEA HANDLER They were using the dolls to project their dreams of their own futures as adult women.
RUTH HANDLER I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven ve...
CHELSEA HANDLER I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around...
CHELSEA HANDLER There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
CHELSEA HANDLER Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else'...
CHELSEA HANDLER The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.
CHELSEA HANDLER When you start writing a picture book, you have to write a manuscript that has enough language to pr...
DANIEL HANDLER Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of h...
CHELSEA HANDLER Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll ha...
CHELSEA HANDLER I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think...
CHELSEA HANDLER It's full of depressing details about the children's lives, ... and, I'm sorry to say, it's the long...
DANIEL HANDLER I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
CHELSEA HANDLER I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking abo...
CHELSEA HANDLER As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always t...
CHELSEA HANDLER I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.
CHELSEA HANDLER My first novel took almost six years to sell and was rejected 37 times in the interim, and then fina...
DANIEL HANDLER I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
CHELSEA HANDLER I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
CHELSEA HANDLER If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk abou...
CHELSEA HANDLER Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
CHELSEA HANDLER I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from t...
CHELSEA HANDLER I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be...
CHELSEA HANDLER After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe ca...
CHELSEA HANDLER We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized
biography of M.C. Hammer, and ...
CHELSEA HANDLER I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money ...
CHELSEA HANDLER There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose....
CHELSEA HANDLER Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jump...
CHELSEA HANDLER Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger...
CHELSEA HANDLER I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned.
CHELSEA HANDLER Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the firs...
CHELSEA HANDLER I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
CHELSEA HANDLER It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times....
CHELSEA HANDLER We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing ...
CHELSEA HANDLER One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
CHELSEA HANDLER I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
CHELSEA HANDLER I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush sp...
CHELSEA HANDLER Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around b...
CHELSEA HANDLER I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
CHELSEA HANDLER He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her...
CHELSEA HANDLER I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
CHELSEA HANDLER Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he ...
CHELSEA HANDLER Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends lik...
CHELSEA HANDLER I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
CHELSEA HANDLER I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his...
CHELSEA HANDLER My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and cal...
CHELSEA HANDLER Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? I...
CHELSEA HANDLER At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbli...
CHELSEA HANDLER Either you have the feeling or you don't. Hawk Davies
DANIEL HANDLER The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it tur...
DANIEL HANDLER I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hostin...
CHELSEA HANDLER I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looki...
CHELSEA HANDLER Everything else has vanished, so you take them now. Maybe if you're the one keeping them, I'll be th...
DANIEL HANDLER I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she'...
CHELSEA HANDLER When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything...
CHELSEA HANDLER For most people, the two primary relationships they have are with their families or romantic ones. A...
DANIEL HANDLER I can't think of a story that doesn't have something terrible in it. Otherwise, it's dul...
DANIEL HANDLER I don't know whether it's digital effects or if they trained a baby to bite through steel. I'm not s...
DANIEL HANDLER Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you ...
CHELSEA HANDLER Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, peopl...
CHELSEA HANDLER I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite th...
CHELSEA HANDLER There are so many movies like this, where you thought you were smarter than the screen but the direc...
DANIEL HANDLER Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink ag...
CHELSEA HANDLER You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
CHELSEA HANDLER Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not inter...
CHELSEA HANDLER Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
CHELSEA HANDLER I'm not a believer in predetermined fates, being rewarded for one's efforts. I'm not a believer in k...
DANIEL HANDLER Book thirteen marks the return of a reptile previously gone missing.
DANIEL HANDLER I was interested in finding ways to do dark comedy that were actually dark and comic.
DANIEL HANDLER People can expect poisonous mushrooms, ... And then only if they open the book.
DANIEL HANDLER The way Sunny speaks in the books seems a perfect fit for the cause in question. She often uses word...
DANIEL HANDLER A nice thing about children's books, though I'm probably alone in this opinion among people who writ...
DANIEL HANDLER And she has a fairly consistent political agenda. She's a baby, so individual liberty is a developin...
DANIEL HANDLER Watch Your Mouth.
DANIEL HANDLER A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is...
DANIEL HANDLER For every girl I thought I was uncomplicated sex, it wasn't. Put it this way: if you can't see the c...
DANIEL HANDLER I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.
CHELSEA HANDLER Fred Weinberger lent Mark the money directly and not to his company.
ROBERT HANDLER I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Fo...
CHELSEA HANDLER Love was in the air, so both of us walked through love on our way to the corner.
DANIEL HANDLER They say love's like a bus, and if you wait long enough another one will come along, but not in this...
DANIEL HANDLER I think books that are meant to be read in the nighttime ought to confront the very fears that we...
DANIEL HANDLER My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definit...
CHELSEA HANDLER Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see...
CHELSEA HANDLER This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.
DANIEL HANDLER I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me ...
CHELSEA HANDLER You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magaz...
CHELSEA HANDLER I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make ...
CHELSEA HANDLER Kristen is looking at me like I'm a plume of smoke in the kitchen, right before you yell fire!
DANIEL HANDLER You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.
CHELSEA HANDLER I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true...
CHELSEA HANDLER I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian...
CHELSEA HANDLER The idea was women on boats. Lifeline Cruises pitched itself to women seeking adventure, whether a d...
DANIEL HANDLER The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm w...
CHELSEA HANDLER And then like a song we'd forgotten was even on the mix, you stepped into the house and my whole lif...
DANIEL HANDLER And then the third night was after we broke up, which was worth a million matches but instead just t...
DANIEL HANDLER ...there's not enough ink and paper to say all I wanted.
DANIEL HANDLER who would dare think that, forever? Some idiot girl who wouldn’t know how things played out.
DANIEL HANDLER Twenty-six,” you said. “One for each day we’ve been together, Min.”Somebody oohed. Somebody ...
DANIEL HANDLER Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know what we had, an...
DANIEL HANDLER I hadn't even been looking, not for you, and now you were my heart's desire.
DANIEL HANDLER They looked at each other like a pair of parentheses.
DANIEL HANDLER Someone can break your heart, leave you dead on the lawn, and still you never learn what to say to s...
DANIEL HANDLER The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it tur...
DANIEL HANDLER You either have the feeling or you don’t.
DANIEL HANDLER And this note was a jittery time bomb, ticking beneath my normal life, in my pocket all day firecely...
DANIEL HANDLER How wrong to think I was anyone else, like thinking grass stains make you a beautiful view, like get...
DANIEL HANDLER It was a secret time and place, you next to me, untraceable and out of this world.
DANIEL HANDLER And the truth is that I'm not, Ed, is what I wanted to tell you. I'm not arty like everyone s...
DANIEL HANDLER I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.
DANIEL HANDLER I'm telling you why we broke up, Ed. I'm writing this letter, the whole truth of why it happened. An...
DANIEL HANDLER I’m not a romantic, I’m a half-wit. Only stupid people would think I’m smart. I’m not someth...
DANIEL HANDLER Ed, it was everything, those nights on the phone, everything we said until late became later and the...
DANIEL HANDLER I started making plans, thinking we would get that far.
DANIEL HANDLER I was stupid, the official descriptive phrase for happy.
DANIEL HANDLER Stop saying no offense,” I said, “when you say offensive things. It’s not a free pass.
DANIEL HANDLER I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
CHELSEA HANDLER Why not rise from the grave and terrorize a little instead of staying buried and dead in the cemeter...
DANIEL HANDLER Shit, I guess I already loved you then. Doomed like a wineglass knowing it’ll get dropped someday,...
DANIEL HANDLER I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it th...
DANIEL HANDLER How many happy people do you think there are in the world? Twelve?
DANIEL HANDLER I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.
DANIEL HANDLER I’m a murderer, Ted! I’m a murderer. A dog murderer! I’m just like Phil Spector minus the musi...
CHELSEA HANDLER I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn’t make any se...
CHELSEA HANDLER In true Ted form, he was not in on the joke, which is basically the foundation of our relationship. ...
CHELSEA HANDLER I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole o...
CHELSEA HANDLER There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even wo...
CHELSEA HANDLER What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’...
CHELSEA HANDLER It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choos...
CHELSEA HANDLER I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidenc...
CHELSEA HANDLER Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
CHELSEA HANDLER Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single do...
CHELSEA HANDLER Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries...
CHELSEA HANDLER I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of a...
CHELSEA HANDLER I write every day weekdays for about 5 hours, mostly longhand on legal pads. It has gotten neither h...
DANIEL HANDLER Any playlist without Prince is no friend of mine.
DANIEL HANDLER I can cook anything.
DANIEL HANDLER I write longhand on legal pads, about half at home and half in cafes. I drink a lot of water and eat...
DANIEL HANDLER I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it...
DANIEL HANDLER I kind of always think my work is unfilmable, and when I meet people who are interested in filming i...
DANIEL HANDLER I was not a particularly brave child, I think, because I had a narrative mind, because my mind autom...
DANIEL HANDLER I listen to Morricone, the famed Italian film composer, while I'm working.
DANIEL HANDLER You see failed vocabulary in the adult world so often, and it's often because once you reach a c...
DANIEL HANDLER I'm always interested to see what films are made of books. I kind of don't participate as a ...
DANIEL HANDLER If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the ...
DANIEL HANDLER There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?&...
CHELSEA HANDLER I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I w...
CHELSEA HANDLER People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?
CHELSEA HANDLER I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That...
CHELSEA HANDLER We women have to stick together.
CHELSEA HANDLER I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were...
CHELSEA HANDLER There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true raci...
CHELSEA HANDLER There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves ...
CHELSEA HANDLER If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
CHELSEA HANDLER 'The Long Goodbye' is one book I like to read over and over again, and it was an enormous in...
DANIEL HANDLER The file clanked against me, my stupid idea nobody would have gotten had I ever done it. You even wo...
DANIEL HANDLER I love your personality," I said with wide eyes and an open smile. I had used this look before when ...
CHELSEA HANDLER Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous...
CHELSEA HANDLER He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defendin...
CHELSEA HANDLER A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
DAN QUAYLE My advice to young wrestlers is that your surroundings really make a difference. You want to put you...
DAN GABLE I'm getting married because I'm in love with a girl and want to spend my life with her. You ...
DAN MARINO I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
DAN QUAYLE Those market researchers... are playing games with you and me and with this entire country. Their so...
DAN RATHER There is no doubt that the way journalism worked when I was growing up and getting started has chang...
DAN RATHER We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We ar...
DAN QUAYLE We, as a wrestling community, better remember it is more than one individual that makes a winner.
DAN GABLE When we make progress and get better at something, it is inherently motivating. In order for people ...
DAN PINK I get bored. We seem to have been having a little bit more time off this winter than last winter. I&...
DAN WHELDON My childhood dream was to study mechanical engineering. After reading 'The Mysterious Island'...
DAN SHECHTMAN One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be ...
DAN QUAYLE Bitcoin's got its issues. But it is not competing with perfection.
DAN KAMINSKY I can only tell you that eggs, country ham, biscuits, a pot of coffee, a morning paper, a table by t...
DAN JENKINS The key to any good sports story is identifying the defining moment. In football games or a boxing m...
DAN JENKINS Vijay Singh won a playoff in 2004 at Whistling Straits after a final-round 76, which was the highest...
DAN JENKINS Look at kids playing with blocks. I think it's in everyone's DNA to want to be a builder.
DAN PHILLIPS The greatly anticipated 2009 Masters was like going to a Broadway hit and finding out that the star,...
DAN JENKINS I would never recommend losing on a bye, so that one definitely stays with you.
DAN QUINN I think I've interviewed probably 1,500 people in my 24-year business career.
DAN GILBERT I cannot emphasize just how dangerous it is cycling in the city. Especially now. Even though it is a...
DAN HILL