Here's somthing you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.
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... If you tried to touch my woman she'd break your dick off like a twig then stick it up your arse. 
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Just think of dick as pussy on a stick. 
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There comes a day when you've become comfortable in your skin. But God as my witness, I am going... 
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You know that I could as soon forget you as my existence! 
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I'm bringing Dick Cheney as my date. 
You sick fuck. Tear my pants off, prick. See what I got. I'll knock your fucking teeth out with my s... 
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The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny ... 
My dear doctor, I am surprised to hear you say that I am coughing very badly, as I have been practis... 
People come up to me and say, 'Can I just thank you for writing my life?' And I reply, '... 
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I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di... 
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[As prepared, Giuliani was scheduled to say,] So long as George Bush is president, is there any doub... 
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I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's al... 
I dinna know what's a sadist. And if I forgive you for this afternoon, I reckon you'll forgive me, t... 
George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com... 
Echo slides off the hood, and her hips have this easy sway as she walks to the back passenger door. ... 
I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I... 
I used to play poker with my sister. But I think my low-cut dress put some of the guys off. 
I never made a mistake in grammar but one in my life and as soon as I done it I seen it. 
I never made a mistake in grammar but once in my life and as soon as I done it I seen it. 
The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'... 
As long as someone wants to hear my music, I don't care if it's a ringtone or the album or w... 
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl... 
Behold, as a wild ass in the desert, go I forth to my work. 
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