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Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.


George Carlin

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KELLY JONES Tell your story to the universe and Let your actions speak LOVE.' No matter what it is.
NAPZ CHERUB PELLAZO Gays and lesbians have compelling stories to tell. And I believe the vast majority of people are ope...
DAMON ROMINE Wake every morning with the same feeling. Live up high and fly on top of the ceiling. I just know th...
ANA CLAUDIA ANTUNES Doubt the people that say who they are and believe in the people who tell you who they want to be.
ANDONI GARCIA He's for you and wants to help you be the person He created you to be.
CRAIG GROESCHEL The vast majority, who believe in astrology and think that the planets have nothing better to do tha...
ISAAC ASIMOV Congratulations, to the people which made gotham series, still need some more and extra work!
DEYTH BANGER To tell the truth is useful to those to whom it is spoken, but disadvantageous to those who tell it,...
BLAISE PASCAL Not everyone has the time to be normal.
LJUPKA CVETANOVA Then that's what the Northern Lights are. All the lives that we're not living.
ADI ALSAID Friendship is a double-edged sword one side it can be great and true but the other side it spells be...
GARY F EVANS... Be kind. We never know what people are going through. Give grace and mercy because one day your circ...
GERMANY KENT We have tears in our eyes
As we wave our goodbyes,
We so loved being with you, we three. ROALD DAHL Kindness is universal. Sometimes being kind allows others to see the goodness in humanity through yo...
GERMANY KENT The love you get, is equal to the love you give.
BEN OAK Then there is the other secret. There isn't any symbolysm [sic]. The sea is the sea. The old man is ...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY Now is the only time we have, and the only time that we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON I have the right to remain violente. Everything I say can and will be used against you.
EMINEM Reach out and help others. If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. Be a vessel, be the c...
GERMANY KENT Don't you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you're not taking advantage of it?...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY To have the cognitive abilities to do research and development is vital to a forever expanding world...
GARY F EVANS... The first and foremost human right or fundamental right is the right to exist.
APURVA GAGLANI If we ever put research into what the subconscious is we could probably come to the conclusion that ...
GARY F EVANS... i know im not the girl you wanted. not the one you want to hear from. but what you see is what you g...
SIMI GREWAL Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over.
RICHARD CARLSON The vast majority of English folk cannot and will not consider a picture as a picture, apart from an...
JAMES WHISTLER The vast majority of English folk cannot and will not consider a picture as a picture, apart from an...
JAMES WHISTLER He remembered the time he had hooked one of a pair of marlin. The male fish always let the female fi...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY Life is a canvas it starts off plain and simple to become your own masterpiece.Gary F Evans...
GARY F EVANS... I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm not the most casual person.
JULIE MACKLOWE The Doctor: This is bad, I don't like this. [kicks console and yells in pain] Never use force, you j...
STEVEN MOFFAT We tell them that we believe it will be beautiful because that is our specialty, we only create joy ...
CHRISTO Use your heart. Understand. Learn to see things
in the now, not as they were or will be, or as ...
E.J. PATTEN Believe that it can be done. Connect with a source of courage, strength and hope that will give you ...
TERENCE T. GORSKI Tell a devout Christian that his wife is cheating on him, or that frozen yogurt can make a man invis...
SAM HARRIS People don't believe what you tell them.
They rarely believe what you show them.
They ofte...
SETH GODIN Chess is a game with simple rules and pieces, a small sixty-four-space board, but there are more pos...
AUSTIN GROSSMAN How to change the world:
• spread positivity
• bring people up instead of dragging the...
GERMANY KENT Only after the last tree has been cut down,only after the last river has been poisoned,only after th...
THE CREE PEOPLE To call the population of strangers in the midst of which we live "society" is such a usurpation tha...
THE INVISIBLE COMMITTEE We have been expropriated from our own language by television, from our songs by reality TV contests...
THE INVISIBLE COMMITTEE The situation is like this: they hired our parents to destroy this world, and now they'd like to put...
THE INVISIBLE COMMITTEE Invisible is where visible is created. Believe in the invisible, And you’ll see it materialized!
ROXANA JONES People don't believe what you tell them.
They rarely believe what you show them.
They often ...
SETH GODIN If we live in a glass bubble then it is always easier for the glass to shatter, it is different if t...
GARY F EVANS... The universe has inspired so many reasons behind the reasons we know!
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH Just because you believe something was true in the past does not mean it will be true in the future.
JEFFREY FRY For clarification of your doubts about matched betting learn from The Sure Bettor a perfect guide to...
THE SURE BETTOR Now is everything
Now is the essence
Now is the focus
Focus on the now
For that ...
KAREN HACKEL The universe seeks equilibriums; it prefers to disperse energy, disrupt organization, and maximize c...
SIDDHARTHA MUKHERJEE What if you are wrong? What if the gods sent you, and indeed the rest of us, not because we were nev...
MARIE LU When you are down to nothing, God and the universe are always up to something!!! Be strong in your f...
ANGIE KARAN Tell them stories. They need the truth you must tell them true stories, and everything will be well,...
PHILIP PULLMAN Write to Say something,
Say to Make something,
Make to Be something.
SHASHIDHAR SA The majority of photographers focus on the obvious. They believe and accept what their eyes tell the...
DUANE MICHALS Speak well to people; tell them the truth today! If you meet them another day, tell them the same tr...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR It was because they were two parts of a whole. He did not belong to her. And she did not belong to h...
RENEE AHDIEH Cease with the displays of false modesty. The entire palace knows about it."
A feeling of warmt...
RENEE AHDIEH Do you know why I adore roses?" Shahrzad untied the knot of his tikka sash with deliberate slowness....
RENEE AHDIEH Where were you?" Shahrzad tried to control the tremor in her voice.
"Not where I should have b...
RENEE AHDIEH As always. As ever. As a rose to the sun.
RENEE AHDIEH God created every man to be free. The ability to choose whether to live free or enslaved, right or w...
SUZY KASSEM I speak the truth. Not everyone who says they are ready to hear it really are.
MONIKA ZANDS When people tell you who they are, Maya Angelou famously advised, believe them. Just as importantly,...
MARIA POPOVA One must simply take the days of their lives as they happen. If you spend time worrying over what is...
R.J. GONZALES I think that many people will intentionally overlook all of the lifeless facts about their relations...
C. JOYBELL C. The witnesses will tell you that the vast majority of refugees fled their homes because of the attac...
DIRK RYNEVELD Creativity is not just thinking outside the box but living outside it.
VICTOR SHAMAS I've learnt that you are who you are, and in the end, if you don't believe it, then no one w...
USHER I don't spend a lot of time asking "WHY?" Instead I focus on what I should do now or how I should re...
JEFF DIXON-THE KEY TO THE KINGDOM Rose: 'If you are an alien, how come you sound like you're from the north?'
Doctor: 'Lots of pl...
RUSSELL T. DAVIES I'm convinced normal people miss the majority of God's blessings because they're too busy to notice ...
CRAIG GROESCHEL I hate that just because you happen to be good at something,people automatically think that's what m...
AMBER SMITH The warm sound of her laughter stole through Khalid's skin, heating the coldest reaches of his soul.
RENEE AHDIEH The battle is not physical, it is spiritual and your mind is the battleground. Keep your mind pure a...
JEANETTE CORON The saying sell all your belongings & give to the poor simply means "Redirect your mind to the verit...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward.
ERIC ROTH You're afraid of getting hurt like I'm afraid to die. It doesn't mean I'm not going to live every da...
VI KEELAND Wesley Rush doesn't chase girls, but I'm chasing you.
KODY KEPLINGER I turn and kick with the first one and feel myself being lifted and thrown towards the beach. It's l...
MARK SMITH What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough ...
DOUGLAS ADAMS One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit o...
DOUGLAS ADAMS I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is inprobably biased toward the con...
JOHN GREEN The biggest lie in the world is that when people tell you that what they really want is for you to t...
CARL WHITE That would be a confidence vote by definition, ... I can tell you where we're going to stand on that...
JACK LAYTON Some workers believe that if they tell the truth [about a child], the foster parent isn't going to s...
JEAN FIORITO The crux is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.
WILLIAM J. BROAD The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.
WILLIAM J. BROAD It's amazing the difference
A bit of sky can make.
SHEL SILVERSTEIN Anything that is exclusive will be accused of elitism; living one’s dreams will be called pretenti...
FENNEL HUDSON Tell people that biology and the environment cause obesity and they are offered the one thing we hav...
ANDREW LANSLEY I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward conscio...
JOHN GREEN People who LOVE you will tell you the truth. People who LIKE you will tell you what you want to hear...
MAURICE W. LINDSAY Once you tell the bad guys that you have a created a program in which people can get around security...
CHARLES PENA Forever is a long long time and time has a way of changing things
WALT DISNEY COMPANY When we put LIVE backwards it spells EVIL, interesting how one word can have two totally opposing me...
GARY F EVANS... I love you." she whispered into the rough wool of his sweater.
L.J. SMITH And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three,...
MONTY PYTHON I make mistakes. That's what I do. I
speak without thinking, I act without
knowing. I d...
CANDACE BUSHNELL

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN