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What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!


George Carlin

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GERMANY KENT Most people do not take care of their lives, because they don’t value life.
SUNDAY ADELAJA In the old days in France, they had beheadings of people who commit heinous crimes, ... Nevada Newsm...
OSCAR GOODMAN He thought himself awake when he was already asleep. He saw the stars above his face, whirling on th...
T.H. WHITE Do what you do so well that they will want to see it again and bring their friends.
~WALT DISNEY Yo, thats illogical I cant have it!
NICK JONAS George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular com...
DREW CAREY Don’t waste your time trying to impress others to satisfy their ego. do what you love & love what ...
DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA I Don't Like What I Do, I Love What I Do!
JOHN PETERS When I know what to do, everything is so easy.
LORRIN L. LEE It's our job to keep their guys off (Favre). We didn't do that today.
ADRIAN KLEMM I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE Nobody has to do more than their fair share. Everyone knows what their job is.
JEFF LOWELL You rely on senior hitters to do their job.
GEORGE ALEXANDER What you do will project you
SOTONYE ANGA Learn as you go! Don't think you have to learn everything, in order to do anything. The best knowled...
WILLIAM MERRICK The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN Being able to do what you wish is the best thing in the world!
SHIRO AMANO You don't tell an astronaut what to do.
ATMOSPHERE We wanted to see if hormone therapy would do for elderly gentlemen what it would do for their best f...
DR. CHARLES BRENTON HUGGINS People around you, constantly under the pull of their emotions, change their ideas by the day or by ...
ROBERT GREENE I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI If people will not eat dogs they will not die but because of their taste dogs do die...
JAI SINGH Dogs have their day but cats have 365.
LILIAN JACKSON BRAUN I have a job to do on policy. And I think that's what people want their governor to do. Not poli...
PAT QUINN Happiness is not about what you do, it's about how you do what you do.
ROEL VAN SLEEUWEN I laugh at people who think their spontaneous, yet plan their spontaneous moments.
SONYA.E.WILLIAMS Words can change their meaning, just by repeating them.
DEYTH BANGER To be poetic is how u get somebody as a girl around you...

"Dexter: You seem uncertain. I...
DEYTH BANGER My job is to describe what their jobs are and demand they do it.
JOE PENDRY The big problem with them is their offensive line and their zone scheme. They do an awfully good job...
DICK VERMEIL They just wanted to make her birthday special. This is what Chelsea wanted to do.
MARSHA BERRY WHY YOU DO, is more important than WHAT YOU DO.
RODNEY LOVELL Some business coaches may disagree with me, but I wholeheartedly teach my community to start busines...
KEVIN J. DONALDSON I tell you what I'd do. I'm going to blow their heads off.
EVELYN HESTER Why do guys insist on wearing those odious jeans with their rear ends hanging down around their ankl...
STEVE KLUGER The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL Salary stories are intrusive. Do you ask your neighbour what they earn for their job?
NICOLE KIDMAN I don't think they're well equipped enough to do the job on their own,
JEAN CLAUDE I have in the past overly trusted people and was, in turn, let down by some. Since then, I have lear...
DO WON CHANG It's important my daughters learn from the hard work my wife and I put into this company. Who be...
DO WON CHANG When I first immigrated to the United States, there were not many jobs that stood out. So I worked a...
DO WON CHANG Focus on your work. Do what you're great at. Don't compare yourself to others and or waste time crit...
GERMANY KENT No doubt, corporate CEOs who lie to their shareholders and politicians who lie to their public know ...
LEWIS B. SMEDES I'm not here for nothing. They've got their job to make their decisions, but my job is to play hocke...
GUILLAUME LATENDRESSE And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH Don't think that this people are stupid, probably you have caught one, but you didn't finish your wo...
DEYTH BANGER You cant close this place, ... What will I do for breakfast?
BOB COLEMAN Anything you can do to keep their minds off of their feet.
CARLY PROPER My job is to tell them the truth. What they do with the truth is their issue.
PAM STENZEL My job is to hire the best and brightest employees and empower them to do their best work. As a mana...
JAY SAMIT When we look it is always forward ,but if we did not think of the past at all we would not be able t...
GARY F EVANS... The kids were talking about how important their dogs were to them. My daughter said, 'Hey, Dad, that...
DICK SAMUELS Do what you do. This Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve, Twelfth Night, Valentine's Day, M...
CHRIS ROSE It's not easy to pull off the Big Lie and George Bush has failed.
ROBERT SCHEER Everybody needs to decide this on their own, what their conscience dictates, what their hearts and m...
RICHARD GEPHARDT If you're confused about what to do,
it's a sign that your enemy is winning.
TOBA BETA “You can’t do what You ONLY never tried to do.”
MAGED MAHROUS What you do, say, and have reveal who you are.
LORRIN L. LEE All A.B. needs to do is keep on doing what he's doing. Everybody has to raise their level of play, n...
JOE HORN Eating with a dog nearby may turn some customers off. But then there are some people who do everythi...
CHRIS ARMSTRONG I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES Our girls didn't do a very good job on offense. And their big girls gave us fits.
JOE HERNANDEZ It's time for the elected officials to do their job,
DONALD BRIGGS I thought both of our pitchers did a great job. They moved the ball around and kept their hitters of...
DANA FIEDLER People come here with a smile on their face. Every day is different. I feel in love with what I do f...
JASON STREET If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life.
MARC ANTHONY They couldn't even tell me what formula it was based on. I knew nothing when I walked out of there. ...
BO BREWER What can stars do? Nothing..But sit on their axis!
CHARLIE CHAPLIN Do what you love doing.
JULIANNA MARGULIES Many of these volunteers have come on their day off and on their free time to help make these kids d...
SCOTT CLARK Many trail users around town are doing a little trail maintenance on the trails in their neighborhoo...
CRAIG MARTIN I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches...
ROGER J. CORLESS It's not perfect. But George Mitchell is credible. He should do a good job.
FAY VINCENT We have very, very fine air traffic controllers, men and women. They do their job, they do a fine jo...
IKE SKELTON Sleeping dogs lie. Let them lie.
LE SHANA GRIFFIN We got going and came out really strong in the first half, and thats what we needed to do. But once ...
EVA LANG You can do almost anything if you do a little bit at a time. Day by day. Until it is done. The joy i...
LORRIN L. LEE I've never YouTubed myself, and I'm actually scared to do it. I think I may just let sleepin...
TAYLOR HANDLEY Basically, what I'm trying to do is help them link what is going on in their mind with what is going...
DR. GENIE BURNETT the heart cant lie because the eyes is watching
N.HERNANIE It's like a real job. It really gives people a perspective of what they're going to do in their life...
BETSY CULBREATH Let the media do their job, I just hope they won't make my job too hard..
OLASOT It's in their interest to do as quick a job, as good a job as possible, to protect their employees a...
RON YODA We rebounded well and played their tendencies extremely well. They really could not get shots off be...
DEBBIE RYAN It's a rotten job, but somebody's got to do it.
AGATHA CHRISTIE By the time I’ve finished with you,
you won’t know whether you’ve been kissed or cut,...
WARSAN SHIRE The Italians have their priorities right: They're driven, they do their work, but they really en...
FRANCES MAYES Everyone has to do their job. Everyone has to buy into it and believe in what we're trying to do reg...
RAY ALLEN What we are trying to do here is encourage property owners to properly place these trees around thei...
SCOTT BUTLER All season long we've had everybody have a job to do. We have 27 swims tomorrow and everybody's job ...
JEFF LOWELL I've got to learn to let people do their job. When I was on the defensive side of the ball, I may ha...
DUANE MCWHORTER They (lawmakers) don't like people telling them how to do their job.
BRAD ASHWELL There is the feeling that police did not properly do their job,
WALTER RODGERS

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ...
GEORGE CARLIN