But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.
George Carlin
Related Comedy is very controlling - you are making people laugh. It is there in the phrase 'making people l... GILDA RADNER When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely. MARGARET ATWOOD We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment. MAY SARTON There's something in the moment when you can make them laugh or cry and show and incredibly comp... GEDDE WATANABE The way you deal with a scare is the way you deal with a laugh. The timing has to be perfect. When y... PATRICK WILSON When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. GLORIA VANDERBILT When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. THOMAS SZASZ When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.. THOMAS SZASZ I always laugh the hardest at the stuff you see in day-to-day life. It's great when somebody can tel... LUKE WILSON I always laugh the hardest at the stuff you see in day-to-day life. It's great when somebody can... LUKE WILSON Times of sadness are the very moment to laugh and laugh greatly. MASAHARU TANIGUCHI If you want to save humanity don't introduce your kids to technology at an early age. The T.V tells ... ANDONI GARCIA the one thing about fashion is everyone wants that one moment when they look fabuloous and they feel... VERONICA WEBB I do love comedy, and when it's a comedy moment and you can make people laugh, of course it is w... MAGGIE SMITH A loyal friend is when your having the worst day they make it the best day.
When you don't make funn... MEHREEN MUSHARAFA All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travele... ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPéRY In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in th... ORSON SCOTT CARD People are better able to confront an uncomfortable truth when they can laugh at themselves. Jokes t... TERENCE T. GORSKI When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all ... JAMES BARRIE When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all ... JAMES MATTHEW BARRIE Combining music, theater and comedy is a new and broader form of expression. In certain combinations... ALEKSEY IGUDESMAN We never know what a day will bring us, but one thing we do know is that every morning we can wake u... ELLEN K. WOOKEY They trip, fall, lay down flat on their face and have no idea of what is going on. Sometimes all you... ANDREW BERNARD If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you more open to my ideas. And if... JOHN CLEESE I meant it when I said I didn’t believe in love at first sight. It takes time to really, truly fal... CLAUDIA GRAY Have you ever had one of those moments when time just freezes? You know, when the world suddenl... KAREN MARIE MONING I don't think things are ever exactly the way one expects, and I don't think things are ever the way... DEBORAH EISENBERG We only have one agenda, which is to make 'em laugh their pants off. Unless they are girls, of c... ADRIAN EDMONDSON At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody... BUDDY HACKETT At the very moment when people underestimate you is when you can make a breakthrough. GERMANY KENT On the field, you have to be aggressive; you're thinking how to get the better of a situation. I... YUVRAJ SINGH There are none more abusive to others than they that lie most open to it themselves; but the humor g... SENECA There are none more abusive to others than they that lie most open to it themselves; but the humor g... SENECA I love a girl that can make me laugh. I am not really a laugh-at-things type of guy and I don't smil... JESSE MCCARTNEY What if there were no punch lines? What if there were no indicators? What if I created tension and n... STEVE MARTIN If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old. EDWARD W. HOWE If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old. EDGAR WATSON HOWE There is a moment when you realise you are not doing what you want to do or being who you want to be... CHLOE THURLOW Now is the only time we have, and the only time we have any control over. RICHARD CARLSON To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shou... WINSTON S. CHURCHILL The moment we cry in a film is not when things are sad but when they turn out to be more beautiful t... ALAIN DE BOTTON At any given time, all of us have an empty spot: one that is calling for companionship, for example,... KATHI APPELT When you laugh, be sure to laugh at what people do and not at what people are. ANONYMOUS When you laugh, be sure to laugh at what people do and not at what people are. SOURCE UNKNOWN When you laugh, be sure to laugh at what people do and not at what people are. And when they are distracted and there are worries about them, that spreads. So there is a sense of ... BRIT HUME The idea makes you laugh, and you're instantly sympathetic. We've all lived through that moment wher... JUDD APATOW An idea can be tested, whereas if you have no idea, nothing can be tested and you don't understa... JAMES D. WATSON The voters of the district have sent a message that it's important that all parties be at the table ... DIANE PATRICK Children are natural Zen masters; their world is brand new in each and every moment. JOHN BRADSHAW Wake up to a brand new day and realize why you woke up to meet the day! Live to the end of another d... ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ... KELLY JONES I love theater. I love the idea that you can transform, become somebody else, and look at life with ... NATASHA TSAKOS When you are being judged by someone that has no idea who you are always remember this: Dogs always ... SHANNON L. ALDER Most dancers I know, especially the talented and successful ones, seem to possess [my dog's] knack f... PAUL TAYLOR We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now... AUDREY NIFFENEGGER I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much... because it's the only thing ... ROBERT A. HEINLEIN An idea is not necessarily good because it is old, or necessarily bad because it is new, but if an o... HENRY FORD But, uncle, isn’t it possible to make other songs, new songs?” “Why make them? There are enoug... ROMAIN ROLLAND The most important thing I learnt on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die... KURT VONNEGUT They didn't know why these things were funny. Sometimes you laugh because you've got no more room fo... TERRY PRATCHETT Everyone has that moment, I think, the moment when something so...momentous happens that it rips you... KATHLEEN GLASGOW I love a girl that can make me laugh. I am not really a laugh-at-things type of guy and I don't ... JESSE MCCARTNEY The essence of the Liberal outlook lies not in what opinions are held, but in how they are held: ins... BERTRAND RUSSELL I understand they want to stay in their homes, but I tell you there is a very volatile situation in ... RAY NAGIN My parents always got a kick out of my art. I was always able to make them laugh. As I got older, I ... STEVE BREEN Don't take yourself too seriously. Know when to laugh at yourself, and find a way to laugh at ob... HALLE BERRY But when it really happens I'm very fascinated, I'm waiting for the moment, because the mome... NASTASSJA KINSKI We like to take credit when we get a new idea, as if we originated the idea in our brain, but what w... CHRIS PRENTISS In a world where irony reigns, where you have to separate, protect and laugh at anything that is hon... ALEJANDRO GONZALEZ INARRITU If you can sit through The Aristocrats and laugh at it, you come out the other end realizing that to... HARRY SHEARER Often when you get a really good script, and you receive the new pages, you see that the entire thin... CONNIE NIELSEN I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the... STEVE MARTIN New ideas inspire new life into dry old projects; they make bridges from one moment to another that ... MAICHEE SUMMER Conceiving & believing an idea is akin to planting a seed into the soil,for the moment you conceive ... DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. A... PABLO PICASSO Can I remember exactly when I 'lost' my husband? Was it the moment when I had to start tying... JUDY PARFITT The vitality of thought is in adventure. Ideas won't keep. Something must be done about them. When t... ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD War is being reminded that you are completely at the mercy of death at every moment, without the ill... FRANCESCA LIA BLOCK For people who look closely at energy, the idea of New York being a callous and wasteful place is lo... DAVID HAMILTON It is as simple as that. Birds fly because they have wings and so when you can’t grow the wings, y... ISRAELMORE AYIVOR That actually encourages us to feel that we are on the right track, that we are doing something diff... FRED SAVAGE A comic strip that your parents read when they were young is a curious thing: it's an heirloom, ... ELIZABETH MCCRACKEN We take action when we have the honesty to admit that things are still broken, despite our best effo... SHANNON CUTTS Beware when any idea is promoted primarily because it is "bold, exciting, innovative, and new." Ther... DONALD RUMSFELD When people laugh at me, they are not laughing in the way that they normally would at a comedian. Th... BARRY HUMPHRIES When you really study espionage movies, or spy movies, the beginnings are really set up to have, lik... JOHN LASSETER If you don't learn to laugh at troubles, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow o... E. W. HOWE When you make a decision, you need facts. If those facts are in your brain, they're at your fing... KEN JENNINGS There’s a loneliness that only exists in one’s mind. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is... F. SCOTT FITZGERALD People build something that works. Then circumstances change, and they have to tinker with it to mak... TERRY PRATCHETT Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life,the idea came to him o... JOSEPH CAMPBELL I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made ... BUDDY HACKETT The older Mario gets, the more confused he gets about the fact that everyone at E.T.A. over the age ... DAVID FOSTER WALLACE Your wedding completely changes the direction of your life, you know, no matter how greatly you desi... SHARON SHINN Men never cling to their dreams with such tenacity as at the moment when they are losing faith in th... WILLIAM GRAHAM SUMNER You - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them...In one of the stars I shall be living.... ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPéRY Identities aren’t meant to be permanent. They’re like cars: they take us from one place to anoth... KATE BORNSTEIN S. BEAR BERGMAN People wince when something is in bad taste. They laugh when it's funny. If it's too dirty o... MICHAEL PATRICK KING I realized that cats make a perfect audience, they don't laugh at you, they never contradict you, th... ELLE NEWMARK
More George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they... GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning. GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks. GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as bi... GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control. GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next. GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W... GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don... GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institution... GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job! GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat. GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso... GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo... GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ... GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc... GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e... GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb... GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ... GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war? GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked. GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ... GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be... GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will... GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ... GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.- GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush. GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav... GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la... GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa... GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t... GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h... GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution... GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ... GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i... GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil... GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t... GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be... GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky... GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi... GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ... GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than... GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked. GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different.... GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization. GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb... GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai... GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the... GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d... GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language. GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ... GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&... GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class... GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ... GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol... GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the... GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th... GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning... GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y... GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning. GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight... GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed... GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b... GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish... GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to... GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider! GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b... GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect... GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you... GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight? GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ... GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can... GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th... GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach t... GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with... GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c... GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ... GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A... GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health. GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’... GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police. GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ... GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual... GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ... GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ... GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se... GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the... GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol... GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som... GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-. GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw... GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it. GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ... GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking. GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc... GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti... GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything. GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type, GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident. GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones. GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations... GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea... GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first. GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'... GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a... GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help. GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play? GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ... GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi... GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't... GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic GEORGE CARLIN Think about it, GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and... GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ... GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your... GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal. GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ... GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian. GEORGE CARLIN Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage. I've always written in the long ... GEORGE CARLIN