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Anonymous quote: "I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up."

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I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.


Anonymous


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Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some yo...
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Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're...
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Pleasing everyone, that's impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!
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I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we're having cake.
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How do I like my eggs? In a cake.
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My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museu...
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Birthdays are nature's way of feeding us cake.
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What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
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I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
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There was a robot invented in China that catches thieves. In Australia it caught 10 thieves, in Ame...
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I'm a Victoria's Secret model. It's such a secret, not even Victoria knows.
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How is a poor man a lot like a rich man? They both have an iPhone.
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Fart when someone hugs you, it makes them feel strong.
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Smile while you still have teeth.
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Have some patience, I'm screwing things up as fast as possible.
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After many years of studying my Geography book I finally know by heart that Australia is on page 23.
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Funny sign at health spa: Fresh 10,000 year old mud for sale.
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I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
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I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.
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True love is truly amazing only when it's truly true.
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Being married means mostly shouting "What?" from other rooms.
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Is it good if a blow dryer blows?
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Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
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Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
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Never judge a book by it's movie
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I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my ...
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When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail.
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Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being myself.
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If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your sm...
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My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.
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I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.
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Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast...
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I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close ...
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Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted ...
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Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
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Silence is golden. Too bad nobody is buying.
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I'm not really a control freak, but... can I show the right way to do that?
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A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
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I once finished first on my running team, then the coach asked me where everyone else is.
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Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
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Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
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Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
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Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place... the fridge.
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I'm not frowning, I'm just smiling upside down.
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The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people al...
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I can make the doorbell ring any time I want, all I have to do is go to the bathroom.
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The amount of time it takes for a minute to go by is proportionally dependent with the distance to t...
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Bathroom sign above toilet: It's like basketball, the basket is bigger than the ball! Learn to sco...
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I can't wait for that to never happen.
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I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
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Sports top moment: to score a goal but miss in the re-play.
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Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.
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Rudeness top moment: to scare an ostrich on an asphalt street.
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I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.
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Always be positive. *Trips down the stairs* Whew, I got down those stairs fast.
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Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible.
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An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
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My taste in music ranges from "You've gotta listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."
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Just because it's called makeup, it doesn't mean it should make up 100% of your face.
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You can't please everyone, you're not a Nutella jar.
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Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
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It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase al...
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If we ever travel far in the universe to another planet with intelligent life, let's just make patte...
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Whenever you feel stupid, remember that there are people outside searching for Pokemon.
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