If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.


Jarod Kintz

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Put flowers on my grave so for once I might look beautiful.
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I’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chair
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I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?
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I dance like I have a chip on my shoulder. I dance salsa.
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A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.
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JAROD KINTZ
Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick.

JAROD KINTZ
When I hear someone’s sick, my first thought is selfishly, Better him than me. My second thought i...
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It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.
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1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats
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I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every da...
JAROD KINTZ
If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that...
JAROD KINTZ
Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession."

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob,...
JAROD KINTZ
When I say something, I mean what I say, despite what a dictionary says I mean. Meanings of words ar...
JAROD KINTZ
My life motto: My brakes are broke, but luckily my gas pedal works just fine.

JAROD KINTZ
If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.
JAROD KINTZ
I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college...
JAROD KINTZ
College has given me the confidence I need to fail.

JAROD KINTZ
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that ...
JAROD KINTZ
Goodbyes, they often come in waves.
JAROD KINTZ
The mouth is made for communication,and nothing is more articulate than a kiss
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JAROD KINTZ
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I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and mov...
JAROD KINTZ
I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love ...
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JAROD KINTZ
Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.
JAROD KINTZ
I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

JAROD KINTZ

More Jarod Kintz

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, b...
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If there are two men, Rod and Rob, and you can only steal from one, which one would you choose? The ...
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Though it comes from her throat, I drink the sound of her voice. Her I love yous dehydrate me, becau...
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I thirst for love like a camel thirsts for water. I’m going through a desert right now, but I’m ...
JAROD KINTZ
I cry, but not for myself. There’s too much sadness in this world to waste a moment with self-pity...
JAROD KINTZ
My ticket's been bought, and my luggage is packed. I'm storing both of my bags under my eyes. Or am ...
JAROD KINTZ
Sleep is the breakfast of champions. This morning I had two big bowls full, each two hours deep.
JAROD KINTZ
Even though it’s locked in a cage, my heart is a bird that flutters at the sound of her voice, as ...
JAROD KINTZ
I watch you like a mirror, because I see in you what I see in myself. Who we love is a reflection of...
JAROD KINTZ
If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic.
JAROD KINTZ
I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.
JAROD KINTZ
Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stair...
JAROD KINTZ
If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to r...
JAROD KINTZ
I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.
JAROD KINTZ
The Chair


I’m writing to you, who made the archaic wooden chair
look like a ...
JAROD KINTZ
I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?
JAROD KINTZ
I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cookin...
JAROD KINTZ
I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure h...
JAROD KINTZ
I like eye contact, but please don’t blink when my eyeballs are touching yours.
JAROD KINTZ
Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I ...
JAROD KINTZ
Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.
JAROD KINTZ
I dance like I have a chip on my shoulder. I dance salsa.
JAROD KINTZ
When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.
JAROD KINTZ
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JAROD KINTZ
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JAROD KINTZ
I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, beca...
JAROD KINTZ
I make love like an albino sings—softly, and from sunset to sunrise (except in Alaska).
JAROD KINTZ
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JAROD KINTZ
Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with ...
JAROD KINTZ
The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car....
JAROD KINTZ
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JAROD KINTZ
Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m liste...
JAROD KINTZ
She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. ...
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A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.
JAROD KINTZ
I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades...
JAROD KINTZ
Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my...
JAROD KINTZ
I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, pro...
JAROD KINTZ
Pick a number between one to ten. Now, pick the number that you think I picked you to pick.

JAROD KINTZ
When I hear someone’s sick, my first thought is selfishly, Better him than me. My second thought i...
JAROD KINTZ
It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.
JAROD KINTZ
To Do Today, 1/17/08
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats
JAROD KINTZ
I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every da...
JAROD KINTZ
If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that...
JAROD KINTZ
Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession."

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob,...
JAROD KINTZ
When I say something, I mean what I say, despite what a dictionary says I mean. Meanings of words ar...
JAROD KINTZ
My life motto: My brakes are broke, but luckily my gas pedal works just fine.

JAROD KINTZ
If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.
JAROD KINTZ
I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college...
JAROD KINTZ
College has given me the confidence I need to fail.

JAROD KINTZ
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that ...
JAROD KINTZ
Goodbyes, they often come in waves.
JAROD KINTZ
The mouth is made for communication,and nothing is more articulate than a kiss
JAROD KINTZ
Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you com...
JAROD KINTZ
I run like I have cirrus clouds for legs and rainbow knees. What is life, if not a marathon of love?...
JAROD KINTZ
I loved her like elephants like remembering stuff. Those bastards just won’t let me forget and mov...
JAROD KINTZ
I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love ...
JAROD KINTZ
Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat brea...
JAROD KINTZ
Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.
JAROD KINTZ
I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.

JAROD KINTZ
I don’t know what’s in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope.

JAROD KINTZ
My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.

JAROD KINTZ
It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.
JAROD KINTZ
I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.

JAROD KINTZ
When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.
JAROD KINTZ
The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth,...
JAROD KINTZ
Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.
JAROD KINTZ
One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more priso...
JAROD KINTZ
With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what yo...
JAROD KINTZ
I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.
JAROD KINTZ
Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.
JAROD KINTZ
You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.
JAROD KINTZ
The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I mad...
JAROD KINTZ
Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a ...
JAROD KINTZ
She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to th...
JAROD KINTZ
Insider trading is a serious crime. Do you know what the penalty for doing it is? Nothing, if you’...
JAROD KINTZ
I had a dream about you. We were at a buffet, but instead of eating food, we were forced to eat our ...
JAROD KINTZ
I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Feder...
JAROD KINTZ
I had a dream about you. We were in a band. I was the lead singer, guitar player, saxophonist, harpi...
JAROD KINTZ
Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.
JAROD KINTZ
Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well ...
JAROD KINTZ
If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where...
JAROD KINTZ
Love one person at a time, that’s the motto I’ll try to get my clones to live by.
JAROD KINTZ
I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understan...
JAROD KINTZ
I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair t...
JAROD KINTZ
I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relations...
JAROD KINTZ
A traditional doctor gets paid to push pills, vaccinate, radiate, and basically exterminate people. ...
JAROD KINTZ
I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.
JAROD KINTZ
Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.
JAROD KINTZ
Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.
JAROD KINTZ
Love may make you feel blue, love may make you feel green, and sometimes love may even make you feel...
JAROD KINTZ
Two become one when two are in love—or when the waitress asks about our dinner bill. I’ll pay ne...
JAROD KINTZ
Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, ...
JAROD KINTZ
I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pi...
JAROD KINTZ
It was impressive that their team had all the momentum and we kept our composure and executed our of...
VIC KINTZ
One game in this region could be the matter of going to the state tournament or sitting home and wat...
JAROD INGERSOLL
He's a great hitter, and he's got that kind of pop in his bat.
JAROD INGERSOLL
Whenever he's had proper rest, he just flat out pitches for us. He was hitting his spots, and he mix...
JAROD INGERSOLL
When we come to play with enthusiasm, and we're all together, we're a pretty good team.
JAROD INGERSOLL
He's (Smith) a good pitcher. We know he's one of the top three pitchers in the state. We know he's a...
JAROD INGERSOLL
He's been solid all year for us in middle relief, and he came in and got the job done again today.
JAROD INGERSOLL
The baseball here is just a lot of fun right now. The kids all love baseball. They love to play it a...
JAROD INGERSOLL
This is my favorite tournament I've been to since I've been coaching here (American Fork). I love Br...
JAROD INGERSOLL
The facilities departments will have command centers set up at both the North and South sites. It wi...
JAROD TUFTS
Without proper communication, people will wonder why they're left in the dark, and assume the worst.
JAROD TUFTS
For the administrators who dial in from California, yeah, I'm concerned, but in many cases I didn't ...
JAROD TUFTS
In some cases this person will be on-site, but in many cases they won't.
JAROD TUFTS
We're not complacent, but we have an extreme sense of confidence in our status for the transition. W...
JAROD TUFTS
He's been the catalyst for our team all season.
JAROD INGERSOLL