Lisa Lampanelli Quote

Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and...
LISA LAMPANELLI

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of ...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I keep getting asked out by really young, good looking boys and really ugly lesbians. So, even if I ...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I've played every comedy club and every theatre across the country for the last 25 years and see...
LISA LAMPANELLI

'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two ...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I...
LISA LAMPANELLI

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.
LISA LAMPANELLI

Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.
LISA LAMPANELLI

Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
LISA LAMPANELLI

In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' No...
LISA LAMPANELLI

Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get ...
LISA LAMPANELLI

A roast is really an honor. If they picked me to be roasted, I'd be the most flattered I'd b...
LISA LAMPANELLI

It used to be that in media, Johnny Carson used to be the most important person when he would invite...
LISA LAMPANELLI

The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because i...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause.
LISA LAMPANELLI

I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have ...
LISA LAMPANELLI

Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're g...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never co...
LISA LAMPANELLI

The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. ...
LISA LAMPANELLI

William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry for...
LISA LAMPANELLI

I always know that I can make it no matter what I go through. Because Jesus said, "during the worst ...
LISA

Do not measure a relationship by your hearts desires, but only what you perceive through vision alon...
LISA

Never take advice from someone who is swift to speak and slow to listen, or swift to listen and slow...
LISA

It's from our sufferings that we form our consciousness.
LISA BONET

Our hunting areas are the grocery store.
LISA MURKOWSKI

I was literally the black sheep of the family, and there were definitely moments of discomfort while...
LISA BONET

The only way to get vegetables at a diner late night is to order the omelette. A feta cheese and bro...
LISA LOEB

I like to browse in Cartier, Chanel and Gucci and if something special grabs my eye I splash out.
LISA SNOWDON

On network TV, I'm still Phoebe to people, and it would be hard to convince them otherwise in th...
LISA KUDROW

I don't really know anything about the movie business, even though I've lived in Los Angeles...
LISA SEE

When you put in place regulations that are so burdensome, so tough, so much so that they cripple you...
LISA MURKOWSKI

One of the things I like to do during an 'overhaul' revision is bust out my highlighters and...
LISA GRAFF

From 2002-2008, Planned Parenthood received $342 million in federal taxpayer money through Title X f...
LISA MURKOWSKI

Prisons are like the concentration camps of our time. So many go in and never come out, and primaril...
LISA BONET

I hate that bookstores are closing. Hate it! What's better than hanging out a bookstore, be it i...
LISA JACKSON

Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.
LISA HOFFMAN

Your brand is your public identity, what you're trusted for. And for your brand to endure, it ha...
LISA GANSKY

I live for the blank page.
LISA UNGER

Your children are the greatest gift God will give to you, and their souls the heaviest responsibilit...
LISA WINGATE

Surely you would have expected no less of a Roma. We take what we want. If a Roma desires a woman, h...
LISA KLEYPAS

A pity that she gets so upset about little things, isn't it?"
"Like the time we sneaked the gre...
LISA KLEYPAS

Ah, Evie,” she heard him say softly, “I must have a heart, after all…because right now it ache...
LISA KLEYPAS

We hug, but there are no tears. For every awful thing that's been said and done, she is my sister. P...
LISA SEE

May and I are sisters. We'll always fight, but we'll always make up as well. That's what sisters do:...
LISA SEE

Sisters, as you know, also have a unique relationship. This is the person who has known you your ent...
LISA SEE

Sometimes life has a cruel sense of humor, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst time ...
LISA KLEYPAS

Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"

Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't...
LISA SCHROEDER

A man's vanity is more fragile that you might think. It's easy for us to mistake shyness for coldnes...
LISA KLEYPAS

I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to belie...
LISA KLEYPAS

When you meet someone so different from yourself, in a good way, you don't even have to kiss to have...
LISA SCHROEDER

You are your own worst enemy. If you can learn to stop expecting impossible perfection, in yourself ...
LISA KLEYPAS

When you can inspire a muse, you've got it going on.
LISA KESSLER

Vegard and Riston's job today was to guard and protect me. And considering that I was in a tower roo...
LISA SHEARIN

You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster.

"Wi...
LISA KLEYPAS

Do you like that?” he whispered.
“Yes, I…” She fought to speak between helpless gasps....
LISA KLEYPAS

Hell was not a pit of fire and brimstone. Hell was waking up alone, the sheets wet with your tears a...
LISA KLEYPAS

The trick was forgetting about what she had lost ...and learning to go on with what she had left.
LISA KLEYPAS

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. "I am totally not getting enough attention here.
LISA MCMANN

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a b...
LISA KIRK

That's the risk you take if you change: that people you've been involved with won't like the new you...
LISA ALTHER

I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of c...
LISA ALTHER

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
LISA MORIYAMA

I'm the world's least happy atheist. I miss having religious faith, but trying to have it seems like...
LISA WILLIAMS

Many times in life I've regretted the things I've said without thinking. But I've never regretted th...
LISA KLEYPAS

I spent a lot of time feeling alienated and rejected.
LISA BONET

Keep in mind, our demographics of our state, how it breaks down in terms of political affiliation: o...
LISA MURKOWSKI

I have no affectation when I speak.
LISA KUDROW

There are so many kids in this world, and in this country, that need homes. And so we're perfect...
LISA LING

I like terrific writing, but I also like a terrific story. My favorite books have both, and they'...
LISA SCOTTOLINE

Decades ago, women suffered through horrifying back-alley abortions. Or, they used dangerous methods...
LISA EDELSTEIN

I love writing both fiction and memoir. Both have unique challenges; bottom line, fiction is hard be...
LISA SCOTTOLINE

Alaskans need some certainty and clarity over how the Pebble Partnership intends to proceed. I under...
LISA MURKOWSKI

RelayRides and WhipCar, AirBnB, Roomorama and One Fine Stay are all stellar examples of how new, acc...
LISA GANSKY

By learning about my body and making small, subtle changes, I find out what I enjoy and what is effe...
LISA EDELSTEIN

You have principles. You test them as accurately as you can. Eventually, they might break down.
LISA RANDALL

The best education I have ever received was through travel.
LISA LING

On long haul flights I always drink loads and loads of water and eat light and healthy food.
LISA SNOWDON

I'm hosting weekend retreats all over America. It is like a 24-hour slumber party for moms. We l...
LISA WHELCHEL

When someone asks if you'd like cake or pie, why not say you want cake and pie?
LISA LOEB

Everyone talks about age, but it's not about age. It's about work ethic. Winning never gets ...
LISA LESLIE

All I've really ever done is write since I was 17, so I don't know anything about anything. ...
LISA GARDNER

A brand is a voice and a product is a souvenir.
LISA GANSKY

There's something about childhood friends that you just can't replace.
LISA WHELCHEL

There's so much grey to every story - nothing is so black and white.
LISA LING

I don't know what to do with myself when it's sunny!
LISA HANNIGAN

The guys in my band are great-we watch movies, we eat pizza, take walks, read books. Everybody has a...
LISA LOEB

I fancy myself as being a fairly competent person.
LISA LING

I started running when I was 21 years old and studying in China.
LISA LING

I don't know that I'm going to entirely do cloth diapers. I'd like to be ambitious about...
LISA LING

My husband and I try to spend some time every night that I'm home talking without distractions.
LISA LING

One of the most important things I'm glad we did and am proud of is that we don't have any r...
LISA LING

I think that's something people need to convey because you see all these celebrity moms out ther...
LISA LING

I have a zillion bottles of hot sauce. I love Trader Joe's jalapeno. The whole right side of my ...
LISA LING

I honestly never had the biological need to reproduce until I met my husband. But by the same token,...
LISA LING

I hope my desire to travel so much isn't forever because it's not the most conducive lifesty...
LISA LING

When you take the time to understand why your parents did the things they did, you stand a good chan...
LISA LING

You should treat your marriage like a business that you wouldn't want to let fail. I'm a big...
LISA LING

My hope is that I can somehow raise the level of consciousness about world events.
LISA LING

We are such a product of our upbringing and environment.
LISA LING

I never run hills. My quads are already big enough. I don't run to build muscle; I do it for car...
LISA LING

Our time on Earth is so random.
LISA LING

I am a crazy online shopper. My husband always jokes, 'Another box arrived!' Airplanes used ...
LISA LING

We live in a culture where we're bombarded with so much noise and so much insecurity.
LISA LING

It is said that the way to prevent obesity is not to allow kids to become overweight in the first pl...
LISA LING

I don't remember my first trip, but I do remember when my mom took me to Disney World in Orlando...
LISA LING

People are starting to know more about it, but I was blown away by Almaty, Kazakhstan. It's like...
LISA LING

For me, it's all about channeling the mistakes I've made and just saying all the things I wi...
LISA BLATT

Read. Read until your eyes are sore. Then read some more.
LISA BLOOM

Love is always a leap into the unknown. You can try to control as many variables, and understand a s...
LISA KLEYPAS

Some of history's cleverest business minds understood the power of share platforms, from the agg...
LISA GANSKY

I have three siblings. My sister makes music. My older brother is a classical conductor, and my youn...
LISA LOEB

I respect you," he murmured. "and your views. I think of you as an equal. I respect your brains, and...
LISA KLEYPAS

There are times when you need to pitch a fit and other times when you need to apply Catholic guilt, ...
LISA MURKOWSKI

Truman Capote was a magical, beautiful writer.
LISA UNGER

Insurance and funding traditionally drive capital investment. But in a world based on access, not ow...
LISA GANSKY

After an 18-year career, I left the film industry, not wanting to become one of those child-actor ca...
LISA JAKUB

At work, we have fantastic catering people. They feed the cast and crew all day, and they're sen...
LISA EDELSTEIN

I use my cell phone as much as I can - I talk to friends all the time. I'm like 2,000 hours a mo...
LISA LOEB

South Africa is the only place in the Southern hemisphere where Halloween is really catching on. The...
LISA MORTON

It’s like I’m suddenly a hormonally charged teenager or living in a bad romance novel: I suddenl...
LISA DAILY

My mother, at sixty, is one of those classic beauties: all neck and cheekbones, sharp lines that hid...
LISA LUTZ

Between the sisters' joined hands, the pressure of their pulses mingled in steady throbs. Daisy was ...
LISA KLEYPAS

I'd gone to Wellesley College, an amazing women's college where the students were encouraged...
LISA KLEYPAS

A weak but steady throb lay beneath Kev's searching fingertips. Win's heartbeat...the pulse that sus...
LISA KLEYPAS

Dear Deborah,

Words do not come easily for so many men. We are taught to be strong, to...
LISA WINGATE

When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off.

Lisa Lampanelli

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