Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.
Lisa Lampanelli
Related While I have no desire to see Mr. Obama's birth certificate, I do want to see his college transc... ANDREW BREITBART I love Obama because he is proof all black people don't look alike. Nobody every told me, 'G... PAUL MOONEY I can tell you that you will have your hearts broken more by the people you love than by the people ... MARGARET PETERSON HADDIX Are you taking us to the beach?" - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON I don't think Warren Buffett should be the treasurer or whatever. Warren Buffett's nuts! Jus... STEPHEN BALDWIN I don't feel that no big stone should be put over my head, saying he did this, he did that. Unle... B. B. KING I don't think you should necessarily listen to a celebrity just because he is one. But if you ca... ROB REINER It looks ancient," - Amy Cahill JUDE WATSON Well we'd just seen Gerry. I think he wanted somebody who had that authority and was handsome. T... ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER We don't have to guess what Mitt Romney would have done if he were president. Because he told us... KAMALA HARRIS But, I don't think any arranger should ever write a drum part for a drummer because if a drummer... BUDDY RICH I like Donald. I guess I shouldn't call him that. I like President Trump. He's affable. He... JEFF ZUCKER Even Obama's staunchest supporters are starting to leave him. Last week Michelle Obama demanded ... ANN COULTER Let's head out to the ruins." - Dan Cahill ROLAND SMITH He isn't a real boss until he has trained subordinates to shoulder most of his responsibilities. WILLIAM FEATHER It SMELLS ancient," - Dan Cahill JUDE WATSON Palm trees were fanned by a warm, light breeze, and they rolled down their windows to smell the sea. JUDE WATSON He also didn't like a lock of my hair and said that he couldn't get into the moment without ... MADELEINE STOWE In general President Obama's policies have been very, very skewed and very, very extreme. Like o... JONATHAN KROHN Hillary Clinton could say she was a woman and running for president. And Sarah Palin could say she w... PAUL MOONEY President Obama's over in Indonesia when guys like me were at a paper route. President Obama, I ... FOSTER FRIESS People don't understand real musicians anymore. Jack White is great - he's the real thing - ... PRINCE My daddy didn't even sign my birth certificate. So I ain't never had his last name. FUTURE When I talk football with my friends, I don't talk about Tom Brady's hair. I talk about how ... INDRA NOOYI I can't get sucked into that celebrity thing, because I think it's just crass. ALEXANDER MCQUEEN I always wanted to see why Captain America was on this team of Avengers. He's got to have a reas... CHRIS EVANS I'm kinda secretive, and I can't even say secretive because of my son. He's the type, li... REMY MA Johnny Rotten. He's a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he... CAPTAIN BEEFHEART A moustache is actually the one thing I really can grow. One of the bad parts about my facial hair s... KEVIN BACON If anyone should be executed, it should be Charles Manson. Do I go around during the daytime, 'G... VINCENT BUGLIOSI I think Utahns - and I won't speak for all Utahns - but my sense is that they have real issues w... EVAN MCMULLIN He never admitted anything, even on his deathbed. He was a deluded liar. If it weren't for my fa... ANNE HECHE I don't think Obama's a socialist or evil, I just think he's wrong and I disagree with h... JONATHAN KROHN My dad was pretty strict. We didn't even get to watch any of his movies until I was, like, 17 ye... DAMON WAYANS, JR. I did 'Narnia' because it was a good opportunity and all that, but really? I wanted to play ... JAMES MCAVOY We don't wake up happy and looking absolutely perfect and feeling amazing every day, you know? W... BEBE REXHA My own view is that taping of conversations for historical purposes was a bad decision on the part o... RICHARD M. NIXON I don't think Donald Trump is a conservative. I think his line on China for example, that he'... MARK STEYN My uncle is so funny - Don Vito. He was always fat with the craziest voice. Dude, he barely speaks E... BAM MARGERA I'm so, so full of joy that America elected Obama. He didn't win because he was black - peop... ESTELLE FANTA SWARAY There's no one in the world close to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He is a phenomenon. He's brillia... SYLVESTER STALLONE I don't fear Holmes, but I think he's a good fighter. He has a lot of pride. But I wouldn... GERRY COONEY Well, I don't know if I can comment on Kant or Hegel because I'm no real philosopher in the ... ROGER PENROSE He's so interesting because you think you know Dennis Hopper, but you don't really know Denn... NATHAN LANE And I like the idea of change. Because I don't see why we should hang a painting on the wall and... MINORU YAMASAKI Is it a coincidence that in 1998, Barack Obama talks about a majority coalition of welfare recipient... RUSH LIMBAUGH I like to talk about my obsession with french fries because I don't want people to think that ... MICHELLE OBAMA I think that's a weak excuse, to say because a rapper's getting older that he ain't got ... RAEKWON I've never heard Donald Trump say that he watches 'House of Cards,' but I'd be reall... MICHAEL KELLY I really don't see a reason why you wouldn't want to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. ... SAM BRADFORD I never go on a run when I don't think of my dad, where I don't think about how powerful his... DAN HILL About f-f-ace!" she said to the horse, flailing with her boots. "Into the barn, please. It's time fo... PETER LERANGIS You see?" Damien leaned over his desk and spread out half a dozen charcoal sketches. "These are only... RICK RIORDAN I take President Obama at his word that he is a Christian and was born here in America. Now, it'... TIM WALBERG On 'don't ask, don't tell' I was always the same. I said we needed a complete review... JOHN MCCAIN I admire my boss, Lorne Michaels. He never stops producing. I think, for him, comedy is a tool of co... KATE MCKINNON It's certain rappers that can really rap, that really spit all bars, so I understand why someone... TY DOLLA SIGN He's a very strange guy, my father. I can't get mad at him because he's so adorable. CARRIE FISHER I wanted to bring something to 'Celebrity Apprentice' to let America know that you don't... CHERYL TIEGS I don't know for Justin; he's always looking for meaning out of his relationships with peopl... RANDY HARRISON I think the main thing we can do, whether you agree or not, I don't think that's the real is... VICKY HARTZLER Here's Kanye, the great musical genius of his generation in hip hop, but, like, society really c... BEN HOROWITZ My impression was, he's walking as though he's made of glass, and if you should touch him he... ROBERT RIPLEY Well, he doesn't make me laugh. I think I've got a fair sense of humour but I can't real... IAN ST. JOHN That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him ... ALAN VEGA I wouldn't let a biopic be made on me. That's because I don't believe in them. I don'... LATA MANGESHKAR I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is ... GARRY SHANDLING Mark Winchester has left the band. He's decided that he's tired of the road and just wants t... BRIAN SETZER I don't really comment on my personal life because I feel like any comment at all is opening up ... JOSH HARTNETT Fundamentally, footballers don't look around a dressing room and think, 'He's a black pl... GARY LINEKER We should all relax about life because you don't have a clue as to what's really going on. BARRY SONNENFELD I don't like men who treat women like arm candies. He should treat me like an equal or better. A... SONAM KAPOOR I don't think Reagan is primarily funny, and I don't think he's primarily marvelous; he&... EUGENE JARECKI My father was overbearing. Very controlling. He was always the way he is, even before my success. He... MACAULAY CULKIN I think that men's clothing should be functional. If there's a rip in his jeans, it should b... SAMAIRE ARMSTRONG I would not, under any circumstances, try to impose my personal faith and belief on the rest of the ... SAM BROWNBACK I don't really get into that whole red-blue-conservative-liberal because I can't tell them a... ERIC CHURCH I went to regular schools and I was home schooled a lot but I don't have any history in schools.... ROSE MCGOWAN I don't think we'll see a 'Real Housewives of Koreatown' anytime soon, but here'... DANIELLE SCHNEIDER I think you have to be crazy not to want to work on the Joker! I can't think of many characters,... LEE BERMEJO Real Texans don't want any woman to die of cancer because she can't get decent health care o... WENDY DAVIS What people don't understand is that my dad isn't up on the contemporary music scene. He'... ALEXA RAY JOEL It's not that I don't want to be famous. It's just that I don't feel like the burden... BILLY CRUDUP I went to my boss, and I said, 'Look, I'd like to design these ties because I think they cou... RALPH LAUREN I don't put myself on Jeff Beck's level, but I can relate to him when he says he'd rathe... RITCHIE BLACKMORE For those of you that don't know, the reason I named my album 'Free TC' is because my li... TY DOLLA SIGN During the campaign, Trump in many ways repudiated President Obama's national security and forei... PETER L. BERGEN I know I'm not a wordsmith. And I don't write poetry. Sometimes I think I should, because it... CANDACE BUSHNELL I've known Lisa Lampanelli for quite some time. We did the Shatner roast together. Lisa didn'... GEORGE TAKEI I just want to make music, I don't want people to talk about me. All I've ever wanted to do ... ADELE I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don... MO ROCCA My favorite scene in all of movies is Gregory Peck in 'To Kill A Mockingbird': You see him w... MARY-LOUISE PARKER People still don't know how good Kevin Love is because he played in Minnesota... you didn't ... DAN GILBERT I just didn't want to get out there anymore; I didn't want to get back into what I call '... GEORGE W. BUSH There's always going to be silly stuff out there in the media that you can't worry too much ... AARON RODGERS I had a high school sweetheart that was my first. We were together all through high school. I had ju... LA'PORSHA RENAE The question now is does Obama have any hope of raising money? I don't think he'll raise it ... JUAN WILLIAMS I think what he's - what he believes, and he may be correct, I don't know, that we have some... LAWRENCE EAGLEBURGER There was a great strain in our family because my father didn't want anything to do with me. He ... CAROL VORDERMAN I don't look at 'Vogue' to ask what I'm going to wear. Because it's something on... ISABELLA ROSSELLINI
More Lisa Lampanelli
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LISA SMARTT Words are like the delicate stitches in the dress you wear, holding the fabric of the garmet togethe... LISA MANTCHEV I don't necessarily make much art myself, but after I wrote 'Warped Passages,' I was for... LISA RANDALL Come with me,' Mom says. To the library. Books and summertime go together. LISA SCHROEDER What if you could meet your soul mate?" the ghost asked. "You 'd want to avoid that?" "Hell, ye... LISA KLEYPAS When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begi... LISA UNGER An almost indispensable skill for any creative person is the ability to pose the right questions. Cr... LISA RANDALL I've always known that performing is what I want to do. There was never a defining moment. I jus... LISA O'HARE I've learned you can make a mistake and the whole world doesn't end. I had to learn to allow... LISA KUDROW There's nothing particularly dark in my past... I live in the light. My disposition is basically... LISA UNGER Fact: I don't know of a single girl who doesn't wish the show-it-all boxer-shorts phenomenon would g... LISA SAMSON The stones in your driveway may have come from the slaves who spend all day breaking rocks because i... LISA KRISTINE I would like to be able to disappear whenever I do something dorky. LISA MCMANN She said she collects pieces of sky, cuts holes out of it with silver scissors, bits of heaven she c... LISA ZARAN I felt devalued and disrespected. The energy behind it felt disingenuous and motivated by corporate ... LISA BONET People who dismiss science in favor of religion sometimes confuse the challenge of rigorously unders... LISA RANDALL I think the skin revolution for women, I will call it, really all started with Mariah Carey. Madonna... LISA BEDRICK There's a variety and depth to the song topics I get to write about in children's music and ... LISA LOEB My own novel, 'The Silver Bough,' about the inhabitants of a remote town at risk of being ov... LISA TUTTLE Six years after I wrote the first draft of 'Plan B,' I received my first paycheck as a write... LISA LUTZ I didn't realize what an impact having a No. 1 single would have. It connects me with people of ... LISA LOEB Harvard freshmen are smart, interested, and excited, and it's fun hearing their different perspe... LISA RANDALL Think about how our country was built. The greatness came from our diversity; the greatness came fro... LISA MURKOWSKI I think it's fair to say that women have a different level of intuitiveness that allows them to ... LISA MURKOWSKI The letter had been crumpled up and tossed onto the grate. It had burned all around the edges, so th... LISA KLEYPAS Ah, there’s the governess voice. All stern and disapproving. It makes me feel like a naughty schoo... LISA KLEYPAS Hair color is the easiest way to change your appearance, but a bad dye job might draw more attention... LISA LUTZ Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and VERY important. -Lisa Hoffman. LISA HOFFMAN Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. LISA HOFFMAN