You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

I know the voices in my head aren't real..... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim!

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!

I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.