Whomever tries to drown their sorrows by drinking should know one thing: they know how to swim!

The ideal man doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, doesn't swear, doesn't get angry, doesn't exist.

You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.

I know the voices in my head aren't real..... but sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome!

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.

The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it's having the phone number of somebody who does!