I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.