I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'