I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.