I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.