Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you have an issue, get a tissue.

All of us light up a room, some when they enter, others when they leave.

The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine.