The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine.


Steven Alexander Wright

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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
STEVEN WRIGHT
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the li...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
STEVEN WRIGHT
The past week our bullpen threw a lot, especially with the doubleheaders in the (Rainbow) tournament...
STEVEN WRIGHT
In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably doub...
STEVEN WRIGHT
The uncertainty is petrol prices,
STEVEN WRIGHT
Our modelling suggest bond yields should rise in line with the US by at least 1 per cent. The X fact...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. W...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I've known Ian for a while. It's not about beating the best pitcher. He's still my buddy. I'll proba...
STEVEN WRIGHT
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
STEVEN WRIGHT
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote"
STEVEN WRIGHT
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is ma...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even st...
STEVEN WRIGHT
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even ...
STEVEN WRIGHT
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never...
STEVEN WRIGHT
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
STEVEN WRIGHT
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
STEVEN WRIGHT