Never order food in excess of your body weight.

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . .

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what!

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.