In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.