My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.