My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.'

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

Nothing makes my day more than when someone comes up to me and says I bring them joy. That's why I do it, to make people laugh their butts off and forget about their problems.

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

My mother and her friend climbed in the rumble seat. It was 1932. They could do that because life was different then.