This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

Nothing makes my day more than when someone comes up to me and says I bring them joy. That's why I do it, to make people laugh their butts off and forget about their problems.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.'

John Henry Lloyd is the man I gave the credit to for polishing my skills. He taught me how to play third base and how to protect myself. John taught me more baseball than anyone else.