It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.

I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?