My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

I like life. It's something to do.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.