I would prefer a total stock market fund if it's going to be their only investment, but if it's the first of many funds I'd go with the S&P 500 Index Fund.
Gary Ambrose
Related Why not just walk over to Vanguard and buy the S&P 500 index fund? FRANK ARMSTRONG Shareholders have lost total confidence in management because the stock has underperformed the S&P 5... GARY BLACK Shareholders have lost total confidence in management because the stock has underperformed the S&P 5... GARY BLACK If the surviving company is French, it won't be eligible for the S&P 500 index. DAVID GUARINO China has created very good investment tools, including an entire network of very large funds. The R... VLADIMIR PUTIN Strong flows into money market funds were probably another drag on stock-fund flows. ANDREW CLARK [They] say that they're going to give their child a mutual fund contribution or some kind of gift th... BRITT BEEMER We expect the Vanguard 500 Index Fund to surpass the Magellan Fund in terms of net managed assets by... RUSSELL KINNEL It would be useless to go through all that soul searching to choose the fund that suits you only to ... DENNIS YAW If the money wasn't going into the stadium fund, there would just be a general-fund payment into the... WILLIAM GRIFFITH People who focus excessively on past performance most likely will be unhappy with their fund, becaus... SRIKANT DASH An investment in the true cost of Christmas would have yielded a better return than the stock market... JEFF KLEINTOP It's well intentioned, but we think it's misguided. If the state has additional funds available that... DAVID ERNST No one fund family has all the best types of funds. One fund family might be good with domestic equi... LOU STANASOLOVICH Retail investors can currently gain access to products with hedge-fund investment characteristics th... CLIVE BRIAULT It's more of a stock-picking market. But it's still a very diversified fund. ERIC KOBREN In the 1987 stock market crash, according to the conclusions of the official Brady report, colossal ... CAROL LOOMIS The Small Business Lending Fund was cleverly named by its authors last Congress. Since its implement... ED ROYCE We would fund the whole project with grants and funds. CLIFF BEEBE I would argue...that if you use a discount broker you could do as well as a fund of funds. DARIUS MCDERMOTT If you don't want to do any research, pick an index fund, JASON KELLY If fund managers apportion just a little of their funds into gold, the price goes up by quite a bit. ERMIN SIOW That will determine whether he should go aggressive or conservative, whether he should go for growth... DENNIS YAW Single country emerging market funds are very volatile. Do you need a Korea fund? The answer is no. ... BILL ROCCO Based on talk of index-fund buying, I would be inclined to be on the long side of the corn and beans... JOEL KARLIN Somehow people look at the performance of the average mutual fund manager and say, 'It's underperfor... JASON ZWEIG [Charles Schwab saw similar action at its fund supermarket.] Mutual fund investors remained engaged ... BILL THOMAS The acquisition of Guggenheim Alternative Asset Management is a further step in this plan and will p... BRIAN GOGGIN I think you saw a lot of fund managers latch onto the stock market?s momentum in the fourth quarter,... BILL SICKLES I would try to get funds below the mean (but) ... I'll pay a little more to get a superior fund. TOM GRZYMALA If pro-abortionists want to commit intellectual suicide and deny scientific facts, that's their ... NANCY PEARCEY Our goal is to provide a strong, competitive fund family. We've realigned our funds, made significan... DAVID MARKS If you're weary of the stock market you can still save in a 401(k). Just choose a more conservative ... JACKIE PERLMAN Legg Mason is one stock you can buy and put away. It generates consistent returns, almost like Bill ... TODD CAMPBELL Legg Mason is one stock you can buy and put away. It generates consistent returns, almost like Bill ... TODD CAMPBELL But if you move the money into offshore funds, this income will roll-up tax-free inside the fund. JUSTIN MODRAY If you are holding a lemon, a once-hot fund, it's time to sell. Funds on the Lemon List are doing D-... ED FOSTER You don't want a fund that had its best years with $5 million in assets. CHRISTINE BENZ It's a pretty good fund, but don't get too excited about its recent record because it was dependent ... DAVID KATHMAN I'm very glad to see it close. We've been cautioning investors not to expect as much from it because... SONYA MORRIS I suggest the small investors dig in their heels with this market, not worry too much. The Fed reall... ROBERT ROBBINS For the first three years of its existence, the fund lost an average of 57% each year. DAN LEFKOVITZ The aim of the S&P 500 is to emulate the entire market, not necessarily do better than the market. I... HOWARD SILVERBLATT Earnings are driving the testing of the top end for the S&P 500, but geopolitical issues are here to... JOHN AUGUSTINE Where the money is going is into global and international diversified funds, ... It's really not the... ANDREW CLARK The First Amendment permits a public university to charge its students an activity fee used to fund ... ANTHONY KENNEDY I'm quite bullish. We're coming up on year 15 of a flat stock market. Historically that'... MARC ANDREESSEN Funds' selective buying helped support the index. The market extended its gains in late trade also d... CASTOR PANG Boone has run the fund seven years, his long-term record is good and he has a substantial personal i... GREG CARLSON If those funds have a good, long-term record, you can stay within a fund family. BURT GREENWALD Today is the last day of the first half so I think window dressing by fund managers wanting to make ... GEORGE CHAN Hedge funds are not especially liquid. Many are 'gated' - meaning there are only small windo... BARRY RITHOLTZ If things go right with fund-raising, all of this will be under construction this year. FRED HAHN This is not a high-yielding fund relative to its category. The median yield of the utility funds we ... DAVID KATHMAN We view this strategy as practical, both from an investment and time-to-market standpoint as reenter... ROBERT DENNISON We still like the equities market and think the S&P 500 could potentially go through 1300 this week. HENRY MCVEY You want a mutual fund investment to be a long-term investment and gain the advantage of compounding... CLAIRE SAUNDERS Throughout the universe of public and private funds, managers are measured quarterly against one ind... MICHAEL BURRY If a fund has $100 million in assets, it means it's a real player, ... The Neatest Little Guide to M... JASON KELLY If you look at this as a long-term investment, the sell-off that has occurred in the market is very ... LAWRENCE YORK Fund companies are increasingly looking at this as a retention tool. Perhaps its one way to keep you... CHRISTINE BENZ We're seeing both real estate and hedge fund become more uncertain now, and if it's going to happen,... CHARLES DE VAULX The stock market trend is surely up and the gains in the first three days this week have wiped out t... AJIT SANGHVI Investors who had been less aware of mutual fund taxes had a rude awakening in 2000, when many funds... DUNCAN RICHARDSON The concentration of stocks is concerning. An active fund manager would not put a portfolio together... PAUL ILOTT Of the 14 bull markets in the S&P 500 index over the past 75 years, fewer than half have lived to ce... JAMES STACK If they don't raise another fund, they're out of a job, so a lot of these bubble funds are hiring in... JEFF BOCAN In sector plays, you should buy after a down period, when the numbers look terrible. But when you lo... SCOTT KAHAN A small fund won't have to exhaust its 'Varsity' list of stocks. JASON KELLY Buying from both fund categories of index and spec has become the number one thing we look at on a d... JASON WARD Many fund managers, if they're not in for a two-day rally, they risk falling behind for the whole ye... KARI PINKERNELL Markets go up more than they go down. But it's been a ruthlessly declining stock market, so the fund... CHARLES TENNES Last year we had a total of 30 teachers apply for grants and we were able to either partially fund, ... JAN MCDONALD To create competition, the distributors - namely the banks - must be allowed to compete over fees an... DAVID KLEIN But then I don't believe it's wise to invest in stocks generally. I think that many expatriates woul... ANTHONY GIBSON I intend to leave after my death a large fund for the promotion of the peace idea, but I am skeptica... ALFRED NOBEL I intend to leave after my death a large fund for the promotion of the peace idea, but I am skeptica... ALFRED BERNHARD NOBEL If you don't like the idea that most of the money spent on lottery tickets supports government p... ROBERT KIYOSAKI It's tax diversification. If tax rates go up, it would be nice to have a fund that you don't have to... JAMES LANGE Higher education has seen its percentage of general fund decline. DAN ANDERSON If you're going to pick a Latin America fund, it's definitely one of the better ones. BILL ROCCO Active managers have to demonstrate that they can beat the index. Many more managers will take advan... MARK ROSENBERG Unless the US stock market enters a serious downtrend for some reason, the domestic stock market sho... HARUKI TAKAHASHI As a portfolio manager, when do you start advising to your clients that they have some cryptocurrenc... MELANIE SWAN It's not a tame fund. It goes its own way. BILL ROCCO Value stock funds shy away from expensive stocks, so if the market bursts, these funds don't have as... JASON KELLY Fund managers are asserting that a slowdown in telecom spending is here for foreseeable future. As f... CATHERINE BENZ Schwab is likely banking on a market recovery and boosts to hedge funds in the mutual fund shakeout,... TODD CAMPBELL If these assets were set up as a revolving fund with which Japan could import raw materials for its ... JAMES FORRESTAL Since the appropriations are expenditures of water and sewer surplus funds, they have the effect of ... CRAIG ROSS Discrimination is on its face wrong. Funding it with state tax dollars is unacceptable. We feel that... CHRISTINA GILGOR My view is that one should diversify broadly across different fund investments. However, it's to... MYRON SCHOLES College education is an investment. Much like the stock market, no one’s forcing you to participat... ANTHONY MAGESTRO The soybean complex was the first commodity to feel the index funds presence, but wheat and corn are... JOE VICTOR The significance (of the dethroning) is a little perverse. It's occurring as investors are beginning... DAN WIENER The good thing about institutional funds is that they tend to be more disciplined. So if you need a ... JEFF KELLY The ruling in our favor meant it was no longer a question of if State Fund would pay, but how much. BRYAN DILLON After costs, only the top 3% of managers produce a return that indicates they have sufficient skill ... EUGENE FAMA A large holding in the fund would be a company, for example, like Fannie Mae or AOL, ... A stock tha... DON PETERS These fund families collectively control $1 trillion, 70 percent of the US mutual fund market. The b... ALISA GRAVITZ
More Gary Ambrose
If you have a variable rate mortgage, now is the time to refinance and lock in a fixed rate to prote... GARY AMBROSE You don't want to pick a family that just created a fund they don't have a history in. GARY AMBROSE Technology funds and small-cap funds are where the volatility is going to be. GARY AMBROSE Set the ground rules and make sure it feels right. GARY AMBROSE You want to understand what the person across the table from you does for a living and how they do i... GARY AMBROSE They can't give endorsements, but they can at least lead you to three or four people in your geograp... GARY AMBROSE Splitting up the portfolio is more than an accounting measure. I've handled cases where the portfoli... GARY AMBROSE People have to minimize the use of home equity for short term financial needs. Get your budget in or... GARY AMBROSE Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. AMBROSE BIERCE When I go to Rome, I fast on Saturday, but in Milan I do not. Do you also follow the custom of whate... SAINT AMBROSE It is ingrained in all living creatures, first of all, to preserve their own safety, to guard agains... SAINT AMBROSE The best way to use the gold of the Redeemer is for the redemption of those in peril. SAINT AMBROSE Many a sin has sullied me in body and in soul because I did not restrain my thoughts nor guard my li... SAINT AMBROSE Nothing graces the Christian soul so much as mercy; mercy as shown chiefly towards the poor, that th... SAINT AMBROSE Take away the contests of the martyrs, and you have taken away their crowns. SAINT AMBROSE In some causes silence is dangerous. SAINT AMBROSE God is not accustomed to refusing a good gift to those who ask for one. Since he is good, and especi... SAINT AMBROSE Let us take refuge from this world. You can do this in spirit, even if you are kept here in the body... SAINT AMBROSE It is not enough just to wish well; we must also do well. SAINT AMBROSE One of the duties of fortitude is to keep the weak from receiving injury; another, to check the wron... SAINT AMBROSE God, who preferred the correction rather than the death of a sinner, did not desire that a homicide ... SAINT AMBROSE God created the universe in such a manner that all in common might derive their food from it, and th... SAINT AMBROSE There is nothing evil save that which perverts the mind and shackles the conscience. SAINT AMBROSE No one is good but God alone. What is good is therefore divine, what is divine is therefore good. SAINT AMBROSE A kindness received should be returned with a freer hand. SAINT AMBROSE Where a man's heart is, there is his treasure also. SAINT AMBROSE When in Rome, live as the Romans do; when elsewhere, live as they live elsewhere. SAINT AMBROSE Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the e... AMBROSE BIERCE Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries. AMBROSE BIERCE Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate. AMBROSE BIERCE Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for,... AMBROSE BIERCE Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. AMBROSE BIERCE Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to ... AMBROSE BIERCE Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. AMBROSE BIERCE Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. AMBROSE BIERCE Doubt is the father of invention. AMBROSE BIERCE Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. AMBROSE BIERCE Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their ... AMBROSE BIERCE Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. AMBROSE BIERCE Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. AMBROSE BIERCE Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. AMBROSE BIERCE I always liked the guys who lasted a long time in the match and had endurance. People like Ric Flair... DEAN AMBROSE Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. AMBROSE BIERCE Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to ... AMBROSE BIERCE Liberty:one of imaginations most precious possessions. AMBROSE BIERCE We played one warm-up gig at this bar that was kinda like that bar in 'The Blues Brothers' w... LAUREN AMBROSE Eisenhower had the clearest blue eyes. He would fix them on you. In my every interview with him, he ... STEPHEN AMBROSE Quoting: the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. AMBROSE BIERCE Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. AMBROSE BIERCE Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows. AMBROSE BIERCE Optimist: a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. AMBROSE BIERCE WWE is like showbiz boot camp. DEAN AMBROSE Litigant: a person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bone. AMBROSE BIERCE Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. AMBROSE BIERCE Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. AMBROSE BIERCE OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. AMBROSE BIERCE ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth b... AMBROSE BIERCE Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important th... AMBROSE REDMOON For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His e... AMBROSE BIERCE Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understand... AMBROSE BIERCE Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage. AMBROSE BIERCE Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. AMBROSE BIERCE Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. AMBROSE BIERCE You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. AMBROSE BIERCE Ocean , n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no g... AMBROSE BIERCE Fidelity. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. AMBROSE BIERCE Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. AMBROSE BIERCE The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. AMBROSE BIERCE Marriage. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, m... AMBROSE BIERCE Bride. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. AMBROSE BIERCE What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republi... AMBROSE BIERCE Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking th... AMBROSE BIERCE Photograph is a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than th... AMBROSE PIERCE Learning. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. AMBROSE BIERCE Consult. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. AMBROSE BIERCE Happiness is an agreeable sensation, arising from contemplating the misery of others. AMBROSE BIERCE Life. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. AMBROSE BIERCE Acquaintance: a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate ... AMBROSE BIERCE An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. AMBROSE BIERCE Friendships are different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, friendship is based... STEPHEN AMBROSE A temporary insanity curable by marriage. AMBROSE BIERCE The flowers anew, returning seasons bring! But beauty faded has no second spring. AMBROSE PHILIPS Beauty. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. AMBROSE BIERCE Let me tell you what a writer is. A writer takes comprehensive views, holds large convictions, makes... AMBROSE BIERCE Corporation. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. AMBROSE BIERCE Don't steal; thou it never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat. AMBROSE BIERCE Philanthropist. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his co... AMBROSE BIERCE Age. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no... AMBROSE BIERCE Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. AMBROSE BIERCE Education is that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understan... AMBROSE BIERCE Destiny. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. AMBROSE BIERCE Edible. Good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pi... AMBROSE BIERCE Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify. AMBROSE BIERCE Erudition. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. AMBROSE BIERCE Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited. AMBROSE BIERCE Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad gover... AMBROSE BIERCE Revolution is an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. AMBROSE BIERCE Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity. AMBROSE BIERCE Deliberation. The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. AMBROSE BIERCE Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. AMBROSE BIERCE A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support. AMBROSE BIERCE Bigot, one who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. AMBROSE BIERCE Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly un... AMBROSE BIERCE Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration t... AMBROSE BIERCE Admiration; is our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. AMBROSE BIERCE To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. AMBROSE BIERCE A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. AMBROSE BIERCE All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher. AMBROSE BIERCE A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves a glorious success. AMBROSE BIERCE Peace, in international affairs, is a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. AMBROSE BIERCE Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue. AMBROSE BIERCE Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. AMBROSE BIERCE An optimist is a proponent of the doctrine that black is white. AMBROSE BIERCE They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. AMBROSE BIERCE As records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolen... AMBROSE BIERCE Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live. AMBROSE BIERCE Politeness -- The most acceptable hypocrisy. AMBROSE BIERCE A man is known by the company he organizes. AMBROSE BIERCE Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapaciti... AMBROSE BIERCE Enthusiasm. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward ap... AMBROSE BIERCE Egotist. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. AMBROSE BIERCE An egotist is a person interested in himself than in me! AMBROSE BIERCE Duty. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. AMBROSE BIERCE Opiate. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. AMBROSE BIERCE Insurance: An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comforta... AMBROSE BIERCE Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you. AMBROSE BIERCE Alien. An American sovereign in his probationary state. AMBROSE BIERCE Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Mis... AMBROSE BIERCE Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is please... AMBROSE BIERCE Wit. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. AMBROSE BIERCE A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who has no gills. AMBROSE BIERCE Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a cont... AMBROSE BIERCE Dog. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the worl... AMBROSE BIERCE Physician -- One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. AMBROSE BIERCE Divorce. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries. AMBROSE BIERCE Consul. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is give... AMBROSE BIERCE Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscien... AMBROSE BIERCE A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be. AMBROSE BIERCE Confidante. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C. AMBROSE BIERCE The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. AMBROSE BIERCE Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is ... AMBROSE BIERCE A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. AMBROSE BIERCE An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws. AMBROSE BIERCE To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense. AMBROSE BIERCE An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly k... AMBROSE BIERCE Historian. A broad -- gauge gossip. AMBROSE BIERCE Habit is a shackle for the free. AMBROSE BIERCE Laughter -- An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarti... AMBROSE BIERCE Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. AMBROSE BIERCE Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. AMBROSE BIERCE Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, ad... AMBROSE BIERCE Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. AMBROSE BIERCE Experience. The wisdom that enables us to recognize in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly tha... AMBROSE BIERCE The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. AMBROSE BIERCE PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery. AMBROSE BIERCE When in Rome, do as Rome does. AMBROSE BIERCE To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice. AMBROSE BIERCE Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Rom... AMBROSE BIERCE Bore -- a person who talks when you wish him to listen. AMBROSE BIERCE Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by frie... AMBROSE BIERCE Irreligion. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. AMBROSE BIERCE Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things withou... AMBROSE BIERCE Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. AMBROSE BIERCE Genealogy. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his o... AMBROSE BIERCE Absurdity. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. AMBROSE BIERCE Abstainer. A weak man who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. AMBROSE BIERCE Woman absent is woman dead. AMBROSE BIERCE The covers of this book are too far apart. AMBROSE BIERCE Abscond. To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. AMBROSE BIERCE Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their deso... AMBROSE BIERCE A coward is one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE Conservative. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a Liberal, who wi... AMBROSE BIERCE The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors. AMBROSE BIERCE Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of ... AMBROSE BIERCE Alliance. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserte... AMBROSE BIERCE ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply in... AMBROSE BIERCE Acquaintance is a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor and obscure, and intima... AMBROSE BIERCE ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn."Eat ... AMBROSE BIERCE Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction o... AMBROSE BIERCE Convent. A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness. AMBROSE BIERCE Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. AMBROSE BIERCE International arbitration may be defined as the substitution of many burning questions for a smoulde... AMBROSE BIERCE DIPLOMACY, n. Lying in state, or the patriotic art of lying for one's country. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds. Misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others. AMBROSE BIERCE A bride is a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. AMBROSE BIERCE Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. AMBROSE BIERCE There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. AMBROSE BIERCE FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. AMBROSE BIERCE ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Mus... AMBROSE BIERCE HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was a com... AMBROSE BIERCE ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A m... AMBROSE BIERCE YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the So... AMBROSE BIERCE Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo AMBROSE BIERCE Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscie... AMBROSE BIERCE One who is in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. AMBROSE BIERCE OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was onc... AMBROSE BIERCE Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly. AMBROSE BIERCE