Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

God created man, but I could do better.