A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.