My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.