I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.