There is no humor in heaven.


Mark Twain

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DICK VAN DYKE
The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, ...
MARK TWAIN
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
MARK TWAIN
Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'l...
DICK VAN DYKE
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no...
MARK TWAIN
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no h...
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Mark Twain.
FRIENDS
Mark Twain: A Life
RON POWERS
Mark Twain cannot be defined.
HAL HOLBROOK
To paraphrase Mark Twain, our demise is greatly exaggerated.
CHRIS DONLAY
Mark Twain is as big as America. He really is.
VAL KILMER
There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happend. -Mark Twain.
MARK TWAIN
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you...
MARK TWAIN
I read from Mark Twain's lips one or two of his good stories. He has his own way of thinking, saying...
HELEN KELLER
His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the wh...
MARK TWAIN
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN WADE
I grew up reading Shakespeare and Mark Twain.
JACKSON BROWNE
Conservatism is the blind and fear-filled worship of dead radicals.
MARK TWAIN
Human beings can be awful cruel to one another.
MARK TWAIN
I agree with what Mark Twain said - we're all mad at night.
RUTH RENDELL
I, Mark Twain being of sound mind, have spent everything
MARK TWAIN
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.
MARKUS HERZ
Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
MARK TWAIN
A conspiracy is nothing but a secret agreement of a number of men for the pursuance of policies whic...
OSSIP GABRILOWITSCH
Aging is a matter of mind. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
ANONYMOUS
Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.
MARK TWAIN
You can find in a text whatever you bring, if you will stand between it and the mirror of you imagin...
MARK TWAIN
Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdo...
MARK TWAIN
If you want to meet Mark Twain, all you have to do is use your brain!
STEVE RAY COLLINS
It is curious-curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so r...
MARK TWAIN
Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.
KINKY FRIEDMAN
Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.
KINKY FRIEDMAN
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
[March 25 -] Songs and Stories for Everybody ... the Mark Twain of contemporary kids' music.
BILL HARLEY
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called "Huckleberry Finn."
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
MARK TWAIN
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
MARK TWAIN
Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the crea...
MARK TWAIN
Mark Twain had a way of telling stories that shifts your consciousness away from labels.
VAL KILMER
Mark Twain put it best when he said, 'Reports of my demise are greatly exaggerated,
BILL BRADLEY
If it wasn't for the Mark Twain Masquers, I don't know where my life would have gone.
PETER FALK
Mark Twain gave us an insight into the life on the Mississippi at the turn of the century.
BOB NEWHART
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most [borrowed from Mark Twain]
GERARD WAY
The hall-mark of American humor is its pose of illiteracy.
RONALD KNOX
All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn. American w...
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
He begged hard, and said he couldn't play—a plausible excuse, but too thin; there wasn't a musicia...
MARK TWAIN
Consider well the proportion of things. It is better to be a young June bug, than an old bird of par...
MARK TWAIN
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

[Mark...
MARK TWAIN
If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you can't learn any other way.--Mark Twain
TONY-PAUL DE VISSAGE
Hiding in all the thorns, there is a yellow rose.
BEN OAK
There are three types of lies -- lies, damn lies, and statistics.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it ...
MARK TWAIN
There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it ...
MARK TWAIN
I bought a book of Mark Twain quotes. That's about my speed. I'll read a couple quotes and p...
KID ROCK
At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not...
PATRICK MOORE
Mark Twain said, 'The right word is to the nearly right word as lightning is to the lightning bu...
ROBERT LITTELL
Why should we save them? It's part of the historical legacy of California. They were made famous by ...
MARC HAYES
When you find that you are on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." Mark Twain
STEVE J. LEATHERWOOD
This is a feminist bookstore. There is no humor section.
JOHN CALLAHAN
There is no heaven, there is no hell, except here on Earth.
ANTON LAVEY
There is truth in humor, but not humor in truth.
UNKNOWN
Lay up your treasures in heaven where there is no depreciation.
SOURCE UNKNOWN
There is no heaven like mutual love
GEORGE GRANVILLE
Some believe like there is no earth and live like there is no heaven.
HANNO LANGENHOVEN
There is lasting kindness in Heaven when no kindness is found upon earth.
LADY GREGORY
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
EDGAR WILSON NYE
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeci...
LAURENCE J. PETER
When carrying the burden of problems and stress that life seems to endlessly hurtle towards us. We g...
GARY F EVANS...
To have hope in an age where hope is very scarce and hurt, jealousy and pain are more prominent is a...
GARY F EVANS...
Truth metastasized into lurid fantasy.
F. MULDER
Mark Twain created a new type of literature and not a lot of people can say that. Not a lot of peopl...
VAL KILMER
Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower in...
JENNY LAWSON
There is no thing known as bad luck. There is luck, or no luck at all.
JEFFREY FRY
Mark Twain and I are in the same position. We have put things in such a way as to make people, who w...
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
On earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it.
JULES RENARD
On earth there is no heaven, but there are pieces of it
JULES RENARD
Passion for heaven’s priority will mark the true believer
SUNDAY ADELAJA
Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS
There is BEAUTY in every1, every-thing, every-place.All of life is either LOVE or a call for love. U...
ANGIE KARAN
Heaven radiates the light of the future and a is mark of repentance and the only way to get there is...
MUCOR DEDALIV RALUI
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic i...
VICTOR BORGE
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic i...
VICTOR BORGE
The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists ...
MARK TWAIN
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do wh...
MARK TWAIN
Each of you, for himself or herself, by himself or herself, and on his or her own responsibility, mu...
MARK TWAIN
You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; bu...
MARK TWAIN
I first read 'Tom Sawyer' when I was in 8th grade, 13 years old. I realised since that Mark ...
JEFF NICHOLS
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more log...
VICTOR BORGE
There is no greater heaven the heart of a loving mother
BANGAMBIKI HABYARIMANA
There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.
THOMAS W. HIGGINSON
Safety is in Heaven. Put your values there only; put your heart there. No tears are there to flood y...
EDWARD MCKENDREE BOUNDS
I am drawn to Tom Sawyer Island because a tribute to Mark Twain would not be out of place in a theme...
SARAH VOWELL
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
OSCAR WILDE
We may speak about a place where there are no tears, no death, no fear, no night; but those are just...
MAX LUCADO
Hakuna mimi katika umoja. Kuna sisi.
ENOCK MAREGESI
Heaven will be no heaven to me if I do not meet my wife there.
ANDREW JACKSON
No heaven will not ever Heaven be Unless my cats are there to welcome me.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
The best stories in our culture have some sort of subversiveness - Mark Twain, 'Catcher in the R...
MATT GROENING
If there is no love, how can there be passion or reason?
DEBASISH MRIDHA
He (Holbrook) said he has one of the first Mark Twain costumes he wore on stage and was saving it un...
LEE WARREN

More Mark Twain

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
MARK TWAIN
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
MARK TWAIN
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
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It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure tha...
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The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
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India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India ...
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Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
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I never let schooling interfere with my education.
MARK TWAIN
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
MARK TWAIN
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
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The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed rig...
MARK TWAIN
There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.
MARK TWAIN
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
MARK TWAIN
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here firs...
MARK TWAIN
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one...
MARK TWAIN
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
MARK TWAIN
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
MARK TWAIN
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of ti...
MARK TWAIN
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
MARK TWAIN
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
MARK TWAIN
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
MARK TWAIN
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
MARK TWAIN
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
MARK TWAIN
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
MARK TWAIN
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
MARK TWAIN
Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
MARK TWAIN
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
MARK TWAIN
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
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Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside...
MARK TWAIN
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
MARK TWAIN
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
MARK TWAIN
Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
MARK TWAIN
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
MARK TWAIN
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
MARK TWAIN
All generalizations are false, including this one.
MARK TWAIN
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
MARK TWAIN
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a ba...
MARK TWAIN
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
MARK TWAIN
Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
MARK TWAIN
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
MARK TWAIN
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
MARK TWAIN
If I owned half of that dog, I would shoot my half.
MARK TWAIN
What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed ...
MARK TWAIN
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. B...
MARK TWAIN
When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victorymu...
MARK TWAIN
The teacher reminded us that Romes liberties were not auctioned off in a day, but were bought slowly...
MARK TWAIN
By his father he is English, by his mother he is Americanto my mind the blend which makes the perfec...
MARK TWAIN
So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldnt find honest employment.
MARK TWAIN
The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes...
MARK TWAIN
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in itand stop there; lest w...
MARK TWAIN
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large mattertis the diff...
MARK TWAIN
Say the report is exaggerated.
MARK TWAIN
A jay hasnt got any more principle than a Congressman. A jay will lie, a jay will steal, a jay will ...
MARK TWAIN
To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature Congressman.
MARK TWAIN
I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than ...
MARK TWAIN
A myriad of men are born; they labor and sweat and struggle; ...they squabble and scold and fight; t...
MARK TWAIN
Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the st...
MARK TWAIN
Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born --a hundred mi...
MARK TWAIN
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to...
MARK TWAIN
We never become really and genuinely our entire and honest selves until we are dead -- and not then ...
MARK TWAIN
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
MARK TWAIN
All say, How hard it is that we have to die -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people...
MARK TWAIN
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find...
MARK TWAIN
Write without pay until somebody offers to pay you. If nobody offers within three years, sawing wood...
MARK TWAIN
As to the adjective, when in doubt strike it out.
MARK TWAIN
I am admonished in many ways that time is pushing me inexorably along. I am approaching the threshol...
MARK TWAIN
Methuselah lived to be 969 years old . You boys and girls will see more in the next fifty years than...
MARK TWAIN
The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without burst...
MARK TWAIN
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
MARK TWAIN
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
MARK TWAIN
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do wh...
MARK TWAIN
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand ...
MARK TWAIN
Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
MARK TWAIN
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal...
MARK TWAIN
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired
MARK TWAIN
It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.
MARK TWAIN
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
MARK TWAIN
Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting...
MARK TWAIN
To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.
MARK TWAIN
Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.
MARK TWAIN
The church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itse...
MARK TWAIN
Stars are good too. I wish I could get some to put in my hair. But I suppose I never can. You would ...
MARK TWAIN
There are German songs which can make a stranger to the language cry.
MARK TWAIN
The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things tha...
MARK TWAIN
Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled
MARK TWAIN
Necessity is the mother of "taking chances"
MARK TWAIN
Distance lends enchantment to the view
MARK TWAIN
Be good and you will be lonesome.
MARK TWAIN
Chastity - you can carry it too far
MARK TWAIN
To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler--and less trouble.
MARK TWAIN
Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in it...
MARK TWAIN
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
MARK TWAIN
When you cannot get a compliment in any other way pay yourself one.
MARK TWAIN
There is nothing you can say in answer to a compliment. I have been complimented myself a great many...
MARK TWAIN
Never learn to do anything. If you don't learn, you will always find someone else to do it for you.
MARK TWAIN
I can't do literary work for the rest of this year because I'm meditating another lawsuit and lookin...
MARK TWAIN
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would...
MARK TWAIN
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relati...
MARK TWAIN
Wit and Humor -- if any difference, it is in duration -- lightning and electric light. Same material...
MARK TWAIN
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no...
MARK TWAIN
There is a great deal of human nature in people.
MARK TWAIN
If man had created man, he would be ashamed of his performance.
MARK TWAIN
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
MARK TWAIN
The human race was always interesting and we know by its past that it will always continue so, monot...
MARK TWAIN
Man is a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
MARK TWAIN
Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat...
MARK TWAIN
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts th...
MARK TWAIN
Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement,...
MARK TWAIN
Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of t...
MARK TWAIN
Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
MARK TWAIN
Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind.
MARK TWAIN
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks, if we agree with him.
MARK TWAIN
O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover th...
MARK TWAIN
A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose.
MARK TWAIN
Happiness ain't a thing in itself --it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. And so,...
MARK TWAIN
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one: keep from telling their happiness to...
MARK TWAIN
I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an ornament to society and a treas...
MARK TWAIN
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich...
MARK TWAIN
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide i...
MARK TWAIN
Let us be grateful to Adam, our benefactor. He cut us out of the blessing of idleness and won for us...
MARK TWAIN
Intellectual work is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward.
MARK TWAIN
Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.
MARK TWAIN
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
MARK TWAIN
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and play consists of whatever a body is not oblig...
MARK TWAIN
Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth.
MARK TWAIN
Truth is neither alive nor dead; it just aggravates itself all the time.
MARK TWAIN
No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.
MARK TWAIN
We had the sky up there, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss whether th...
MARK TWAIN
Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True ...
MARK TWAIN
When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.
MARK TWAIN
Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.
MARK TWAIN
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
MARK TWAIN
We need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the hum...
MARK TWAIN
There's always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.
MARK TWAIN
I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- except he...
MARK TWAIN
There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were...
MARK TWAIN
People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases.
MARK TWAIN
My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine -- everybody drinks water.
MARK TWAIN
A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razor strap. A thin book is useful to stick under a table ...
MARK TWAIN
When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a te...
MARK TWAIN
In statesmanship get the formalities right, never mind about the moralities.
MARK TWAIN
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
MARK TWAIN
The lack of money is the root of all evils.
MARK TWAIN
His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
MARK TWAIN
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures...
MARK TWAIN
All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. ...
MARK TWAIN
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. Traini...
MARK TWAIN
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only m...
MARK TWAIN
There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence.
MARK TWAIN
It is by the goodness of God that we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech...
MARK TWAIN
There isn't a single human characteristic that can be safely labeled as American.
MARK TWAIN
War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has no...
MARK TWAIN
There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhe...
MARK TWAIN
To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his...
MARK TWAIN
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
MARK TWAIN
A wise man does not waste so good a commodity as lying for naught.
MARK TWAIN
A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.
MARK TWAIN
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, b...
MARK TWAIN
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
MARK TWAIN
A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversati...
MARK TWAIN
Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expe...
MARK TWAIN
Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employ a million.
MARK TWAIN
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.
MARK TWAIN
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part cowar...
MARK TWAIN
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself
MARK TWAIN
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man aro...
MARK TWAIN
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
MARK TWAIN
It was the schoolboy who said, Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
MARK TWAIN
Never let formal education get in the way of your learning.
MARK TWAIN
There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good; it ...
MARK TWAIN
I've never let my school interfere with my education.
MARK TWAIN
In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in al...
MARK TWAIN
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform (or pause and reflect).
MARK TWAIN
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal di...
MARK TWAIN
A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was getting knowledge that was always going...
MARK TWAIN
Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiment...
MARK TWAIN
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the ca...
MARK TWAIN
If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the r...
MARK TWAIN
The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a...
MARK TWAIN
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its...
MARK TWAIN
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
MARK TWAIN
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the reall...
MARK TWAIN
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
MARK TWAIN
′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.
MARK TWAIN
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
MARK TWAIN
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
MARK TWAIN
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
MARK TWAIN
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Trut...
MARK TWAIN
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
MARK TWAIN
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
MARK TWAIN
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
MARK TWAIN
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
MARK TWAIN
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
MARK TWAIN
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
MARK TWAIN
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
MARK TWAIN
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it ...
MARK TWAIN
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
MARK TWAIN
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
MARK TWAIN
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
MARK TWAIN
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
MARK TWAIN