Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of bad road. She had so many gold teeth . . . she used to have to sleep with her head in a safe.

I'd like to see Paris before I die... Philadelphia will do.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.