I've got all the money I'll ever need; if I die by four O'clock

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking your money. Please remember to take all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among crew members.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say