It used to be that we thought we could have it all as women and I think we're realizing that's a myth for anybody, male or female, to think they can do it all.


Dr. Pat Hedberg

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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG
I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG
One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG
No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG
COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG
Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG
Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG
Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG
They say one's weakness can be another strength but my strengths can lead to anothers demolition
PAT
I like how the other guys are stepping up. If we keep this up, then Bell does not have to score 25 p...
PAT WILLIAMS
Coaching in the NBA is not easy. It's like a nervous breakdown with a paycheck.
PAT WILLIAMS
We were so bad last year, the cheerleaders stayed home and phoned in the cheers.
PAT WILLIAMS
We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure ...
PAT WILLIAMS
Great leaders have a heart for people. They take time for people. They view people as the bottom lin...
PAT WILLIAMS
We got a little waylaid along the way. The whole problem started about 10 years ago with management ...
PAT TRAVERS
I'm just gonna be doing stuff that I really enjoy doing. I'm not gonna attempt to be current...
PAT TRAVERS
I had a lousy marriage and I drank too much.
PAT TRAVERS
I needed an opportunity to get back in the studio and get my recording chops back together.
PAT TRAVERS
I have nothing but contempt for Gadhafi. I'm not a Gadhafi supporter in any way. However, it'...
PAT TOOMEY
If you have a federal government that's not enforcing the law and does not preserve the integrit...
PAT TOOMEY
I'm the guy who's started businesses, I've been a small business owner. I've employe...
PAT TOOMEY
After 2003, we lowered taxes across the board. And by 2004, revenue to the federal government grew. ...
PAT TOOMEY
I'm the guy that has written at great length about exactly how we should profoundly reform Socia...
PAT TOOMEY
I think it's the broadest source of dissatisfaction amongst Republicans, out-of-control spending...
PAT TOOMEY
I think it's a fundamental responsibility of the federal government to enforce our nation's ...
PAT TOOMEY
You can see how dysfunctional this Congress is.
PAT TOOMEY