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Flexibility does not necessarily equate to great pay.


Dr. Pat Hedberg

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JAMES WHITTEMORE I've learned that friendship does not equate business, business does not equate friendship.
JILL SCOTT Remember, darkness does not always equate to evil, just as light does not always bring good.
P.C. CAST Much to the confusion of small-minded people, confidence does not equate arrogance.
AMBER HURDLE Fiddler is keenly aware that justice and law don't necessarily equate.
ANN MAXWELL It's a great candidate for a trust. You just have to ensure you're not disrupting the other componen...
COLIN GILLIS Hard work does pay rich dividends, but not necessarily the way what most people who have to burn the...
ANUJ SOMANY Dr Fox's decision to run does not seem to have excited political punters.
GRAHAM SHARPE UNDERSTANDING does not necessarily mean AGREEMENT.
SOURCE UNKNOWN Suffering does not necessarily ennoble you.
HENRY LOUIS GATES Possession does not necessarily mean ownership.
OLASOT It used to be that we thought we could have it all as women and I think we're realizing that's a myt...
DR. PAT HEDBERG There are still some barriers to some particular jobs that are more high paying jobs like high-level...
DR. PAT HEDBERG That is the key question. What is discrimination and what are we talking about here?
DR. PAT HEDBERG Men and women do get paid equally for the same work for the most part.
DR. PAT HEDBERG Pride does not wish to owe and vanity does not wish to pay.
FRANCOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD Pride does not wish to owe and vanity does not wish to pay.
FRANCOIS DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD We pay for things not necessarily covered by the Bryan-College Station budget.
CHARLES SMITH And we don't have the luxury of locking ourselves into a system that does not have flexibility. A ra...
BRUCE WOODBURY Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily...
ALBERT EINSTEIN What happens to other people does not necessarily will happen to you.
DANIEL MELGAçO Public notice does not necessarily accord with internal fulfilment.
MICHAEL TIPPETT Color does not necessarily denote quality, content, or value.
HARRY BELAFONTE Listening to both sides does not necessarily bring about a correct judgment.
DONALD RUMSFELD Agile does not mean laissez-faire, flexibility and freedom are based on the well-defined principles.
PEARL ZHU My complaint with Dr Singh is that he sometimes does not highlight his achievements enough.
SONIA GANDHI 'Potential' does not pay the bills.
RODNEY LOVELL We've seen in the past with teams who bolstered their lineup, it doesn't necessarily equate to succe...
JAMAL MAYERS One can be a great Dad but not necessarily a great Father
ANTHONY SUMITH SAMARASINGHE One can be a great Mom but not necessarily a great Mother
ANTHONY SUMITH SAMARASINGHE The dividing line forms-fashioned from:
Dragon's tears
Missed years
Overcome fears P.C. CAST It does not pay a prophet to be too specific.
L. SPRAGUE DE CAMP I sort of tend to equate tattoos with prisoners, punks or people with a high level of self-confidenc...
LENA DUNHAM It doesn't mean necessarily that we are going to strike, ... but it certainly gives us more flexibil...
THOMAS DEWAR Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
ALFRED E NEWMAN Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
ALFRED E. NEWMAN Crime does not pay as well as politics.
ALFRED NEWMAN The volume does not pay for the service.
DAVID REILLY You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.
ANITA MERINA Being divorced does not necessarily make one’s advice on marriage useless … or useful.
MOKOKOMA MOKHONOANA This does not necessarily reflect synagogue membership. This is what they consider themselves.
IRA SHESKIN combining the results of small, heterogeneous studies does not necessarily bring one closer to the t...
DAVID BATES One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG ...we think it's about giving consumers choice, we think it's about not necessarily asking them to p...
CHRIS LEWIS By not just deeming her as the wife of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. we pay homage to her. The history ...
WILLIE PEARSON Incredible cosmic powers do not equate with high IQ.
BRANDON SANDERSON Time granted does not necessarily coincide with time that can be most fully used.
TILLIE OLSEN How in any way does EQUALITY with other people equate to 'religious persecution'? Does the survival ...
CHRISTINA ENGELA I think he is in the great tradition of Pat Moynihan.
ED KOCH Bad planing on your part does not necessarily constitute an automatic emergency on my part.
UNKNOWN Discovering your God-given purpose does not necessarily put you in a place of omniscience.
D.S. MASHEGO It is an unscrupulous intellect that does not pay to antiquity its due reverence.
DESIDERIUS ERASMUS Progress demands flexibility in attitude & approach. If one is stuck up to a point & does not mend h...
DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA Presumably there would be facts and documents of Intel that it does not necessarily want to broadcas...
KEVIN ARQUIT The greatest moral leader of my lifetime was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., whose private life does not...
MOLLY IVINS We will remain friends but we needed more flexibility in [working with] firms in Europe and beyond. ...
BILL RICHARDS the fact a court suppressed a statement does not necessarily mean our detectives did anything wrong.
SHARON TAYLOR She's doing great. I give all praises to God and Dr. Rosen.
CYNTHIA TURNER Although proselytizing is not in itself necessarily intolerant, it does close the open-ended door of...
WENDY DONIGER I don't think that Dr. Kevorkian, by martyring himself, does anybody any good,
JACK KEVORKIAN The only thing worse than parents who don't pay attention to you is parents who pat you on the shoul...
KATIE ALENDER There seems to be a great pillow in the middle. Creativity and flexibility are discouraged.
KEVIN DAVIS I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG We expect to have a successful year. And to define success, does that necessarily mean winning? No, ...
AARON NIECKULA Looking for the positive does not necessarily mean overlooking faults. being a positive thinker does...
SHIV KHERA If inherently something works in the U.S. does not necessarily mean it works in Paris, Vietnam or Ja...
CHAN SUH Being honest does not necessarily make you rich but being dishonest always bankrupts one of characte...
TROY J. GAINEY Historically, a blanket hold does not necessarily accomplish the goal [or goals] set out for it when...
ERIC UELAND It was not necessarily what they were doing as much as what we were not doing. Randall made a differ...
REGGIE BELLAMY God does not pay at the end of every week, but He pays
ANNE OF AUSTRIA There's not a God. If there is, why does evil pay so good?
MARCO OSCAR OZ Incidentally, the usual designation of the magnitude scale to my name does less than justice to the ...
CHARLES FRANCIS RICHTER I tend to equate sadness with intelligence.
CHUCK KLOSTERMAN I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK I have a great work ethic - from watching Lucille Ball, not necessarily my own family.
JENNY LEWIS It does not always pay to have a golden tongue unless one has the ability to hold it
PAUL JOHNSON As any old Taoist walking out of the woods can tell you, simple-minded does not necessarily mean stu...
BENJAMIN HOFF A good golf course is like good music. It does not necessarily appeal the first time one plays it.
ALISTER MACKENZIE The index was well behaved last year. And one monthly jump does not necessarily signal a shift in tr...
MIKE MORAN False doctrine does not necessarily make a man a heretic, but an evil heart can make any doctrine he...
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE Pat Hurst winning is just fantastic. The team's playing great and the players are awesome.
NANCY LOPEZ did not ask Dr. Healy to leave.
DAVID MCLAUGHLIN Players have a great deal of flexibility when conducting diplomatic relations with their allies.
MIKE SIMPSON Fasting does not necessarily mean to abstain from food & drinks only,but to deny yourself of the lux...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) The YMCA does not exclude people who want to participate in programs, but who cannot pay full price.
ERIC KRESS The armoury of having any academic education does not necessarily set you up for being a good or bet...
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH I've been dragging before and got three hits and been feeling great and got none. How you feel doesn...
LEW FORD Most families need both parents to work. Moms need to be able to work and earn fair pay and have the...
JOAN BLADES One great building does not make a great city.
THOMAS HEATHERWICK There is rarely a creative man who does not have to pay a high price for the divine spark of his gre...
CARL GUSTAV JUNG The world does not pay for what a person knows, but it pays for what a person does with what he know...
LAURENCE LEE The world does not pay for what a person knows, but it pays for what a person does with what he kno...
LAURENCE LEE This field is not necessarily glamorous, nor does it often produce immediate results, but it seeks t...
AARON KLUG The principle of compounding may not necessarily mean investing once & getting residual interest add...
DAVID ATTA (A.K.A DAVIED ATTLARS & MR DAIN) What is terrifying is the ability, through mass brainwashing or propaganda, to change normal human i...
ANTONY BEEVOR FEMA does want to help pay for the cleanup.
DALE JOHNSON We're not good enough to put a stand-pat lineup in. They know that. We're going to take our best gue...
TOM LECHNIR It takes a lifetime to get it down pat. It's not something you can pick up in a matter of weeks or m...
TARA COOK The public pay great attention to the vaccine safety problem, which should not be overlooked,
WEN JIABAO

More Dr. Pat Hedberg

It used to be that we thought we could have it all as women and I think we're realizing that's a myt...
DR. PAT HEDBERG There are still some barriers to some particular jobs that are more high paying jobs like high-level...
DR. PAT HEDBERG That is the key question. What is discrimination and what are we talking about here?
DR. PAT HEDBERG Men and women do get paid equally for the same work for the most part.
DR. PAT HEDBERG I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying g...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG They say one's weakness can be another strength but my strengths can lead to anothers demolition
PAT I like how the other guys are stepping up. If we keep this up, then Bell does not have to score 25 p...
PAT WILLIAMS Coaching in the NBA is not easy. It's like a nervous breakdown with a paycheck.
PAT WILLIAMS We were so bad last year, the cheerleaders stayed home and phoned in the cheers.
PAT WILLIAMS We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure ...
PAT WILLIAMS Great leaders have a heart for people. They take time for people. They view people as the bottom lin...
PAT WILLIAMS We got a little waylaid along the way. The whole problem started about 10 years ago with management ...
PAT TRAVERS I'm just gonna be doing stuff that I really enjoy doing. I'm not gonna attempt to be current...
PAT TRAVERS I had a lousy marriage and I drank too much.
PAT TRAVERS I needed an opportunity to get back in the studio and get my recording chops back together.
PAT TRAVERS I have nothing but contempt for Gadhafi. I'm not a Gadhafi supporter in any way. However, it'...
PAT TOOMEY If you have a federal government that's not enforcing the law and does not preserve the integrit...
PAT TOOMEY I'm the guy who's started businesses, I've been a small business owner. I've employe...
PAT TOOMEY After 2003, we lowered taxes across the board. And by 2004, revenue to the federal government grew. ...
PAT TOOMEY I'm the guy that has written at great length about exactly how we should profoundly reform Socia...
PAT TOOMEY I think it's the broadest source of dissatisfaction amongst Republicans, out-of-control spending...
PAT TOOMEY I think it's a fundamental responsibility of the federal government to enforce our nation's ...
PAT TOOMEY You can see how dysfunctional this Congress is.
PAT TOOMEY