If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.