If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.

Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those of us who actually do.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.

I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'

There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.