I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'

That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'

I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders, when they said they do, I told them 'run outside naked!'

I believe there should be a better way to start each day... instead of waking up every morning.