Dave Barry quote: "I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. "

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
DAVE BARRY

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admi...
DAVE BARRY

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
DAVE BARRY

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another pe...
DAVE BARRY

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
DAVE BARRY

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is ...
DAVE BARRY

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to a...
DAVE BARRY

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
DAVE BARRY

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
DAVE BARRY

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY

Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is th...
DAVE BARRY

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
DAVE BARRY

The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is it about the job that makes i...
DAVE BARRY

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another perso...
DAVE BARRY

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or...
DAVE BARRY

I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a mor...
DAVE BARRY

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless...
DAVE BARRY

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitutio...
DAVE BARRY

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
DAVE BARRY

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.
DAVE BARRY

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know ...
DAVE BARRY

You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
DAVE BARRY

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
DAVE BARRY

I'd take a nerf bullet for you.
DAVE BARRY

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my car...
DAVE BARRY

The first person who decided to say a word instead of throwing a rock can be considered the starter ...
DAVE BARRY

It was not that Adam ate the apple for the apple's sake, but because it was forbidden. It would have...
DAVE BARRY

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to r...
DAVE BARRY

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
DAVE BARRY

I may not know Karate, but I know crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.
DAVE BARRY

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is ba...
DAVE BARRY

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see wi...
DAVE BARRY

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I threw my amplifier out the dormit...
DAVE BARRY

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would b...
DAVE BARRY

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be...
DAVE BARRY

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
DAVE BARRY

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated ...
DAVE BARRY

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
DAVE BARRY

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who ...
DAVE BARRY

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the ...
DAVE BARRY

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in...
DAVE BARRY

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY

Although Golf was originally restricted to wealthy Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns h...
DAVE BARRY

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any ...
DAVE BARRY

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
DAVE BARRY

A thunderstorm is God's way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer
DAVE BARRY

It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mer...
DAVE BARRY

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the p...
DAVE BARRY

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they...
DAVE BARRY

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
DAVE BARRY

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withst...
DAVE BARRY

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
DAVE BARRY

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas...
DAVE BARRY

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that h...
DAVE BARRY

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to sa...
DAVE BARRY

And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to ta...
DAVE BARRY

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious pe...
DAVE BARRY

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.
DAVE BARRY

New York Taxi Rules:1. Driver speaks no English.2. Driver just got here two days ago from someplace ...
DAVE BARRY

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organiza...
DAVE BARRY

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won...
DAVE BARRY

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
DAVE BARRY

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
DAVE BARRY

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
DAVE BARRY

I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Futu...
DAVE BARRY

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a compute...
DAVE BARRY

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with th...
DAVE BARRY

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see wit...
DAVE BARRY

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but ...
DAVE BARRY

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, usi...
DAVE BARRY

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this i...
DAVE BARRY

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should aris...
DAVE BARRY

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
DAVE BARRY

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, includi...
DAVE BARRY

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television witho...
DAVE BARRY

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
DAVE BARRY

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who re...
DAVE BARRY

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
DAVE BARRY

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by...
DAVE BARRY

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
DAVE BARRY

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his ...
DAVE BARRY

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
DAVE BARRY

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
DAVE BARRY

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a goo...
DAVE BARRY

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while ...
DAVE BARRY

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you...
DAVE BARRY

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
DAVE BARRY

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be att...
DAVE BARRY

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
DAVE BARRY

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
DAVE BARRY

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
DAVE BARRY

We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just abo...
DAVE BARRY

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
DAVE BARRY

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven...
DAVE BARRY

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no n...
DAVE BARRY

If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answ...
DAVE BARRY

A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to est...
DAVE BARRY

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
DAVE BARRY

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background...
DAVE BARRY

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - yo...
DAVE BARRY

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is read...
DAVE BARRY

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, D...
DAVE BARRY

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the...
DAVE BARRY

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such ...
DAVE BARRY

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since th...
DAVE BARRY

While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Int...
DAVE BARRY

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacInto...
DAVE BARRY

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to...
DAVE BARRY

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for b...
DAVE BARRY

Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting techniq...
DAVE BARRY

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed...
DAVE BARRY

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in Janu...
DAVE BARRY

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and att...
DAVE BARRY

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always...
DAVE BARRY

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
DAVE BARRY

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless y...
DAVE BARRY

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if pe...
DAVE BARRY

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at...
DAVE BARRY

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybo...
DAVE BARRY

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions...
DAVE BARRY

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ev...
DAVE BARRY

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a c...
DAVE BARRY

For many years the National Pretend Speed Limit was fifty-five miles per hour (metric equivalent: 37...
DAVE BARRY

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of fallin...
DAVE BARRY

Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the b...
DAVE BARRY

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. (This is also true of relig...
DAVE BARRY

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have...
DAVE BARRY

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
DAVE BARRY

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't ca...
DAVE BARRY

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software inco...
DAVE BARRY

Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck throug...
DAVE BARRY

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and f...
DAVE BARRY

This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as bei...
DAVE BARRY

More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers...
DAVE BARRY

USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'
DAVE BARRY

UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 ton...
DAVE BARRY

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Den...
DAVE BARRY

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
DAVE BARRY

''Varlet and the Squeaking Codpieces'' would be an excellent name for a rock band.
DAVE BARRY

Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetol...
DAVE BARRY

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person...
DAVE BARRY

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning "ability to," and bics, meaning "withsta...
DAVE BARRY

Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark
DAVE BARRY

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a...
DAVE BARRY

When Thomas Paine showed Benjamin Franklin the manuscript of The Age of Reason, Franklin advised him...
DAVE BARRY

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty...
DAVE BARRY

All good things must come to an end, but all bad things can continue forever.
DAVE BARRY

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days s...
DAVE BARRY

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
DAVE BARRY

And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times, so we said hello.
DAVE BARRY

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."
DAVE BARRY

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
DAVE BARRY

1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left b...
DAVE BARRY

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on you...
DAVE BARRY

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went...
DAVE BARRY

Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said...
DAVE BARRY

Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.
DAVE BARRY

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, ...
DAVE BARRY

If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, ...
DAVE BARRY

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably...
DAVE BARRY

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you wo...
DAVE BARRY

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This...
DAVE BARRY

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religi...
DAVE BARRY

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
DAVE BARRY

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.
DAVE BARRY

I gotta tell you, ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of t...
DAVE BARRY

It was by far just a one-girl show. She led every offensive and defensive category for Bishop Kearne...
DAVE BARRY

one of South Florida's most vital natural resources, a relentlessly sane voice in a howling hurrican...
DAVE BARRY

drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.
DAVE BARRY

I'm very pleased that we made the top four. But I feel that we could have had a stronger showing.
DAVE BARRY

I've been asked to make an announcement, ... There is a non-luxury car in the parking lot. We've bee...
DAVE BARRY

The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.
DAVE BARRY

We've actually gotten better musically over the years, ... But we've come to realize that we will ne...
DAVE BARRY

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.
DAVE BARRY

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art...
DAVE BARRY

I find myself having these conversations where I go...“You know, the guy, in that place. The guy i...
DAVE BARRY

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones...
DAVE BARRY

Ridley is a tea drinker.
DAVE BARRY

It's a concept I've often thought of.
DAVE BARRY

You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.
DAVE BARRY

I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature, ... I'd...
DAVE BARRY

We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England...
DAVE BARRY

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge ham...
DAVE BARRY

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
DAVE BARRY

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuc...
DAVE BARRY

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger...
DAVE BARRY

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will ...
DAVE BARRY

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable ent...
DAVE BARRY

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant d...
DAVE BARRY

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including:* Both of your socks sh...
DAVE BARRY

Puns are little 'plays on words' that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look...
DAVE BARRY

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his ...
DAVE BARRY

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winte...
DAVE BARRY

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
DAVE BARRY

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

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Dave Barry

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Dave Barry

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