I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.