I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.