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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.


Mitch Hedberg

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You have to get a magnifying glass.
EMMA ZAIAC I get naturally uncomfortable when I'm put under a magnifying glass.
THE WEEKND You won't find candy bars in vending machines in our schools anywhere.
LINDA ANDREASSI Fame is a magnifying glass
ENGLISH PROVERB I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emu...
ANTHONY JESELNIK There will be Apple Glass, and Google Glass, and RIM Glass. These companies are all working on glass...
STEVE MANN Malice is a greater magnifying-glass than kindness.
GEORGE SAVILE HALIFAX I think we need the magnifying glass.
JOEY JOHNSON It's an outside interest that couldn't find this district with a magnifying glass.
COLIN STROTHER Drama is drama, and it's really... if it's something small, you put a magnifying glass up to...
GORE VERBINSKI Self-will is like a magnifying glass: if you're doing good, it makes the good deed better, but if yo...
JIM GENOVESE When I was a kid…I liked burning ants with a magnifying glass….but I think that progressed into ...
LEE RYAN I am trapped in glass and I want to break out and breath deep but I´m too afraid that it will hurt.
ALLY CONDIE He shows her through a magnifying glass which he holds in a velvet glove.
REN GLASSER Spiders keep me awake at night. If I see one that's too big to get under a glass, there will be ...
NICOLA ADAMS From the equity point of view, things are absolutely superb. You need a magnifying glass to find som...
ALLEN SINAI On a really good day, if I'm really trying, in the morning I'll have a piece of toast, vitam...
JO MARIE PAYTON We have truly put the magnifying glass to everything we do as a company.
ATHAR KHAN Life is shining a light through a magnifying glass on me, looking for me to stumble. I think that...
LILY COLE Children are like a piece of glass. Once the glass is broken. It will never be whole again.
TIMOTHY M. BANKS When I'm with the wife, and we're having a romantic night, I occasionally think about a glas...
DAVE GAHAN An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will t...
CHAUNCEY DEPEW You carry with you a solution vending machine in your head. Don't waste it
SOTONYE ANGA if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it...
CHARLES BUKOWSKI I watched TV religiously when I was a kid, but nowadays - with the Internet - there's so many pe...
OSCAR NUNEZ Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants...
SCOTT ROEBEN It took a while to get used to because you can see through the glass. But it is easier to work on gl...
DIANE SCHMIDT Glass is the world's worst spy camera. If you want to surreptitiously take photos, I would not u...
ASTRO TELLER I'm terrified of getting involved with someone who disappoints me or leaves me empty and alone. I'm ...
RACHEL MACHACEK There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented w...
TERRY PRATCHETT Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks
WAQAR AHMED Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks.
WAQAR AHMED But we possess this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our p...
ALEX KENDRICK The will to be totally rational is the will to be made out of glass and steel: and to use others as ...
MARGE PIERCY This is under such a big magnifying glass, and everything is heightened, ... There are other times t...
REGGIE SANDERS If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give ...
SHELLEY BERMAN My mother is teaching me Indian recipes. I'll go to the market, get everything fresh, have a gla...
SENDHIL RAMAMURTHY You can't reinvent the wheel. I remember when we first started out at 'Late Night,' we w...
JIMMY FALLON The only line that's wrong in Shakespeare is 'holding a mirror up to nature.' You hold a...
MONTGOMERY CLIFT Mankind is like dogs, not gods - as long as you don't get mad they'll bite you - but stay ma...
JACK KEROUAC God is not a vending machine where if you put in enough prayer quarters we get a Reese's Pieces ...
JOEL C. ROSENBERG I'll tell you the truth: I had a double brandy before the game but, before, it used to be four b...
PAUL GASCOIGNE I've been lucky enough to be too busy for TV because if I'm not, I'll get stuck in front...
EDDIE KAYE THOMAS There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented w...
TERRY PRATCHETT If you treat glass right, it doesn't crack. If you know the properties, you can make things; the col...
CATH CROWLEY The analysis of concepts is for the understanding nothing more than what the magnifying glass is for...
MOSES MENDELSSOHN you can see the glass as half full, half empty, or as a a glass with liquid in it.
KENDALL GREEN I want my prose to be as clear as a pane of glass.
TRACY KIDDER Reach out and help others. If you have the power to make someone happy, do it. Be a vessel, be the c...
GERMANY KENT We're in that mode here where there's a dead cat bounce and that the glass is half full. At some poi...
CHUCK HILL I will say this: when you take any substance, especially in baseball, it's half mental and half ...
ALEX RODRIGUEZ The glass tiled windows were going to be in lead-light but I decided to do them in glass tiles - som...
JOHN OWENS A coin is examined, and only after careful deliberation, given to a beggar, whereas a child is flung...
PETER WESSEL ZAPFFE Kindness is universal. Sometimes being kind allows others to see the goodness in humanity through yo...
GERMANY KENT I don't know if there's going to be 'the big one,' but if anything starts to happen . . . we want to...
BENJAMIN JOHNSON I always want to keep Halloween fun. I eat the candy, too. I just don't eat a lot of it.
ELISA ZIED I think the process is one of using the camera and sound in the way a detective uses a magnifying gl...
D. A. PENNEBAKER There are lots of things, including changing the kind of inner dialog, that can mitigate anxiety. An...
SCOTT STOSSEL Like the Earth, the Web is a less appealing place than it used to be. If I want attitude and arguing...
J. R. MOEHRINGER He knows the magnifying glass is on him right now. We have to be very supportive of him right now. T...
DAVID PATTEN People themselves makes a lots of mistakes and still loves himself, and they never forget a single m...
OM BENIWAL You can not change what happened or bring back the past. But you can change the future by being stro...
DR ANIL KUMAR SINHA If you need a door kicked in, just call, and we'll kick it. Now, it may not always be the answer...
DAN WEBSTER 'Old School' is so breezy it could be a late-night talk show, especially when Craig Kilborn,...
ELVIS MITCHELL Whether your glass be half empty or whether your glass be half full we all will drink to survive.
GARMAN WOLD To be lazy is stupid, to be a muscle machine is a crazy thing... and how far we go or father we all ...
DEYTH BANGER A poor self-image is the magnifying glass that can transform a trivial mistake or an imperfection in...
DAVID D. BURNS It is a lie.
ARTHUR MILLER I don't know how to have a normal relationship because I try to act normal and love from a norma...
TAYLOR SWIFT If ever you want a rainbow in your home, go to Sandwich Glass Museum, and let them put one in your h...
ANTHONY T HINCKS I mean I'll be retired from rap, so what I'll be doin' in rap will be for fun.
TONE LOC With learning lines, before I had Alfie, I'd put it off and think, 'Oh, I'll just have a...
LESLEY MANVILLE pour me a glass of loyalty,and I will share a bottle of life with you.
CJ LOCKE After an era of everything being super-sized, who would have thought that major companies would be r...
MICHELLE OBAMA Behind their dark glass, the mad own nothing.
PENELOPE FITZGERALD Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserve for themselves. A moth...
DEBORAH TANNEN Change is inevitable-except from a vending machine.
ROBERT C. GALLAGHER Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
ROBERT C. GALLAGHER The Salem Civic Center is just a great environment. You get to compete with the best wrestlers in th...
JACK MERITT As the only woman, I was able to sit with the officers in front, with a glass of vodka in one hand a...
ASNE SEIERSTAD This is such a big magnifying glass. Everything is heightened when you come through in key situation...
REGGIE SANDERS Do you want to be a man of today or a man of tomorrow?
MUSTAFA KEMAL ATATURK You'll be okay. No matter what shape reality takes, you can handle it.
SHIRO AMANO Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Someday perhaps I'll have to get a grownup job... but for now I'm having too much fun being ...
ANDREA MITCHELL I'm a green tea addict, though the occasional glass of red wine is nice, too.
SHILPA SHETTY Play the glass,Perform the glassWith a motion of the glass,with one breath,a multitude of tones are ...
HIRUOMI A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass...
ANNE RICE [But it's never too late, or too early, to be happy -- a message Carlson wants everybody to listen t...
RICHARD CARLSON If the world gets a lot hotter in a hurry and the primary aim is to cool it down, then the current p...
STEPHEN J. DUBNER If you want to be a rock star or just be famous, then run down the street naked, you'll make the...
EDDIE VAN HALEN 7. But what kind of love is it, really? Don’t fool yourself and call it sublimity. Admit that you ...
MAGGIE NELSON You've never seen death? Look in the mirror every day and you will see it like bees working in a...
JEAN COCTEAU Texas women have an amazing sense of purpose when they lose it. They're the best girls in the wo...
JOHN CUSACK Food plays a large part in our weekend, but on a Friday evening, I'll make us something simple f...
VICTORIA PENDLETON It's the difference between standing with a glass between you and whatever is going on in the world ...
JOAN MARRON LARUE My passions, concentrated on a single point, resemble the rays of a sun assembled by a magnifying gl...
MARQUIS DE SADE When you're an actor or actress in this business, usually the natural progression is to direct, ...
JAMIE FOXX We are proposing that there is value in a totally new product category and a totally new set of ques...
ASTRO TELLER Once a glass is broken and somehow repaired, it can't be called new.
KAGABO BURANGA JACQUES

More Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
MITCH HEDBERG Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was proli...
MITCH HEDBERG If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
MITCH HEDBERG I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has...
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
MITCH HEDBERG All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that b...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a w...
MITCH HEDBERG Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Rob...
MITCH HEDBERG Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, s...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're g...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got h...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so......
MITCH HEDBERG Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, yo...
MITCH HEDBERG I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the...
MITCH HEDBERG I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, becau...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the d...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't ...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio?...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-ci...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
MITCH HEDBERG My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfwa...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. Th...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have han...
MITCH HEDBERG I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
MITCH HEDBERG My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporari...
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't...
MITCH HEDBERG I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
MITCH HEDBERG It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
MITCH HEDBERG I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good...
MITCH HEDBERG Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's ha...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other...
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, beca...
MITCH HEDBERG I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store...
MITCH HEDBERG Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile whe...
MITCH HEDBERG Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally w...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was tryi...
MITCH HEDBERG Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all ...
MITCH HEDBERG I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with the...
MITCH HEDBERG I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would nev...
MITCH HEDBERG You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at m...
MITCH HEDBERG With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quit...
MITCH HEDBERG The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I'v...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming...
MITCH HEDBERG I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wa...
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other w...
MITCH HEDBERG Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because...
MITCH HEDBERG If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supp...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in shit!
MITCH HEDBERG At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I nee...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't wan...
MITCH HEDBERG I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people wer...
MITCH HEDBERG My roommate said, 'I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's l...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was sup...
MITCH HEDBERG I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations th...
MITCH HEDBERG I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a...
MITCH HEDBERG If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
MITCH HEDBERG A guy told me he liked cherries. I waited to see if he was going to say 'tomato' before I realized h...
MITCH HEDBERG Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport ...
MITCH HEDBERG Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away...
MITCH HEDBERG ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would ...
MITCH HEDBERG Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and ...
MITCH HEDBERG I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of tak...
MITCH HEDBERG I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
MITCH HEDBERG “S*** or get off the pot.”
MITCH HEDBERG Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made $3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they pa...
MITCH HEDBERG Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because th...
MITCH HEDBERG You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
MITCH HEDBERG I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in f...
MITCH HEDBERG I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
MITCH HEDBERG I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get ...
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ev...
MITCH HEDBERG I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way ...
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
MITCH HEDBERG There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!
MITCH HEDBERG This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
MITCH HEDBERG Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
MITCH HEDBERG Why are there no during pictures.
MITCH HEDBERG I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I do...
MITCH HEDBERG I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.
MITCH HEDBERG I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't k...
MITCH HEDBERG I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me ...
MITCH HEDBERG Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and...
MITCH HEDBERG My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I ...
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -"Sorr...
MITCH HEDBERG I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a con...
MITCH HEDBERG You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, ...
MITCH HEDBERG I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They re...
MITCH HEDBERG I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know h...
MITCH HEDBERG If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, t...
MITCH HEDBERG An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporaril...
MITCH HEDBERG You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with...
MITCH HEDBERG I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
MITCH HEDBERG I sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is
MITCH HEDBERG I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubbl...
MITCH HEDBERG I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
MITCH HEDBERG I think Bigfoot is blurry - that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault. Bigfoot is blurry...
MITCH HEDBERG I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to p...
MITCH HEDBERG Where are all the 'during' photos? I've never seen one.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll ...
MITCH HEDBERG My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockr...
MITCH HEDBERG People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never l...
MITCH HEDBERG I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
MITCH HEDBERG What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?...
MITCH HEDBERG I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna hav...
MITCH HEDBERG Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
MITCH HEDBERG I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Gr...
MITCH HEDBERG It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funk...
MITCH HEDBERG I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'...
MITCH HEDBERG One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every pict...
MITCH HEDBERG That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for th...
MITCH HEDBERG I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a...
MITCH HEDBERG COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP
MITCH HEDBERG I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.
MITCH HEDBERG Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
MITCH HEDBERG I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a.m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't...
MITCH HEDBERG 2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product...
MITCH HEDBERG I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, tha...
MITCH HEDBERG My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me t...
MITCH HEDBERG I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
MITCH HEDBERG I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
MITCH HEDBERG I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
MITCH HEDBERG Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I...
MITCH HEDBERG Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,0...
MITCH HEDBERG A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
MITCH HEDBERG I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG the best plan is changeable
MITCH They're all really little boys. We get these guys who control business kingdoms and make people shak...
CATHARINA HEDBERG On Thursday I found him in his room in the fetal position.
CATHARINA HEDBERG She is definitely an offensive threat. If she can get her feet set, she can be deadly.
WENDY HEDBERG No one's star-struck here. You puke right next to the best of them.
CATHARINA HEDBERG Both Whitney and Amy are what is neat about this team. They are not selfish. It is not all about sco...
WENDY HEDBERG Alisa's been playing great, just unbelievable. Her shooting percentage is one of the tops in the con...
WENDY HEDBERG People in the industry foresee a time in which, for many people, the only thing they'll need on ...
MITCH KAPOR When business leaders ask me what they can do for Indiana, I always reply: 'Make money. Go make ...
MITCH DANIELS I think we need to respect the wishes of voters. They have been busily at work making these decision...
MITCH MCCONNELL I give Bill Gates an A for vision because, as a business person and a strategist, he's brilliant...
MITCH KAPOR We did the two-year extension of Bush tax cuts in 2010. We negotiated the Budget Control Act in Augu...
MITCH MCCONNELL The border is way more porous than it should be, and I think we'd be open to discussing anything...
MITCH MCCONNELL My funeral," the Blue Man said. "Look at the mourners. Some did not even know me well, yet they came...
MITCH ALBOM We're living under the Obama economy. Any CEO in America with a record like this after three yea...
MITCH MCCONNELL People come down for baseball or football or hockey and drive by the refurbished Fox and State theat...
MITCH ALBOM If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's goi...
MITCH ALBOM My jaw dropped, ... I felt shame that I had to find out over the television, then felt sorrow and a ...
MITCH ALBOM Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? ... He could be research. A huma...
MITCH ALBOM You're not a wave, you're a part of the ocean.
MITCH ALBOM A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention with the possible exceptions ...
MITCH RATCLIFFE Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a we...
MITCH ALBOM You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense o...
MITCH ALBOM Now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of th...
MITCH ALBOM Faith is about doing. You are how you act, not just how you believe.
MITCH ALBOM You see, you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, y...
MITCH ALBOM But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of goin...
MITCH ALBOM I drive a beat-up Mercury Cougar, with the windows down and the music up. I seek my identity in toug...
MITCH ALBOM So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy do...
MITCH ALBOM