Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.