Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

No! No no no no no no! Well, yes.

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight.

It's hard to find a play that's right for me to do. Rather than waiting around for the right script to come along, I decided to write one myself.