Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.