Jack Handy quote: "Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail."

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world...
JACK HANDY

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if an...
JACK HANDY

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there insi...
JACK HANDY

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he ...
JACK HANDY

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
JACK HANDY

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, beca...
JACK HANDY

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, whic...
JACK HANDY

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I k...
JACK HANDY

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend
JACK HANDY

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbag...
JACK HANDY

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now
JACK HANDY

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through t...
JACK HANDY

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the ...
JACK HANDY

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run ou...
JACK HANDY

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good ca...
JACK HANDY

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it woul...
JACK HANDY

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
JACK HANDY

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, bec...
JACK HANDY

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face
JACK HANDY

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my ...
JACK HANDY

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
JACK HANDY

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants t...
JACK HANDY

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitte...
JACK HANDY

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another w...
JACK HANDY

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
JACK HANDY

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's p...
JACK HANDY

THE POOR AND THE SUBJECT CALLED "POVERTY" IS FILTH TO THE RICH AND THE SUBJECT CALLED "RICHES", BUT ...
JACK HANDY

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile int...
JACK HANDY

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way...
JACK HANDY

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and ...
JACK HANDY

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy u...
JACK HANDY

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty s...
JACK HANDY

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand...
JACK HANDY

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
JACK HANDY

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. ...
JACK HANDY

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are base...
JACK HANDY

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, ...
JACK HANDY

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got...
JACK HANDY

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
JACK HANDY

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled up t...
JACK HANDY

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed a...
JACK HANDY

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and...
JACK HANDY

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a w...
JACK HANDY

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
JACK HANDY

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then ...
JACK HANDY

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and ...
JACK HANDY

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tri...
JACK HANDY

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt...
JACK HANDY

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to t...
JACK HANDY

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he ...
JACK HANDY

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot...
JACK HANDY

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is...
JACK HANDY

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his th...
JACK HANDY

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have...
JACK HANDY

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe y...
JACK HANDY

Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get ...
JACK HANDY

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell...
JACK HANDY

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your...
JACK HANDY

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story ...
JACK HANDY

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pa...
JACK HANDY

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
JACK HANDY

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and...
JACK HANDY

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves...
JACK HANDY

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
JACK HANDY

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a sold...
JACK HANDY

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
JACK HANDY

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begg...
JACK HANDY

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed u...
JACK HANDY

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say...
JACK HANDY

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complime...
JACK HANDY

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to...
JACK HANDY

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a b...
JACK HANDY

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
JACK HANDY

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry...
JACK HANDY

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
JACK HANDY

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen ...
JACK HANDY

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hosta...
JACK HANDY

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because the...
JACK HANDY

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
JACK HANDY

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and ...
JACK HANDY

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curio...
JACK HANDY

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked whe...
JACK HANDY

I'd rather be rich than stupid.
JACK HANDY

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything ...
JACK HANDY

Al brings a wealth of experience to Financial Network. His depth of experience with a variety of sec...
JACK HANDY

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
JACK HANDY

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:"Mankind." Basically, it's ...
JACK HANDY

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking t...
JACK HANDY

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
JACK HANDY

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and be...
JACK HANDY

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good t...
JACK HANDY

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and ...
JACK HANDY

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to...
JACK HANDY

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could ...
JACK HANDY

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the ...
JACK HANDY

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming hom...
JACK HANDY

I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, 'Don't forget ...
JACK HANDY

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to ...
JACK HANDY

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberc...
JACK HANDY

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lectur...
JACK HANDY

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I r...
JACK HANDY

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd ...
JACK HANDY

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't both...
JACK HANDY

I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I be...
JACK HANDY

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little frien...
JACK HANDY

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I t...
JACK HANDY

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REA...
JACK HANDY

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way ...
JACK HANDY

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in...
JACK HANDY

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you...
JACK HANDY

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drill...
JACK HANDY

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away
JACK HANDY

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think ...
JACK HANDY

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of ...
JACK HANDY

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that even...
JACK HANDY

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I...
JACK HANDY

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", be...
JACK HANDY

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the d...
JACK HANDY

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
JACK HANDY

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for ...
JACK HANDY

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless dom...
JACK HANDY

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just try...
JACK HANDY

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpki...
JACK HANDY

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dre...
JACK HANDY

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is ...
JACK HANDY

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
JACK HANDY

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he'...
JACK HANDY

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what H...
JACK HANDY

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
JACK HANDY

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad i...
JACK HANDY

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each o...
JACK HANDY

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyla...
JACK HANDY

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable part...
JACK HANDY

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, ...
JACK HANDY

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose
JACK HANDY

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about gett...
JACK HANDY

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their fac...
JACK HANDY

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should...
JACK HANDY

The morality of compromise' sounds contradictory. Compromise is usually a sign of weakness, or an a...
CHARLES HANDY

Instead of a national curriculum for education, what is really needed is an individual curriculum fo...
CHARLES HANDY

The morality of compromise' sounds contradictory. Compromise is usually a sign of weakness, or an ad...
CHARLES HANDY

This is just a preliminary study of this facility,
CHARLES HANDY

Let's not be confused. We all sit on the same side of the fence: all Java is good, all standards are...
SCOTT HANDY

The companies that survive longest are the one's that work out what they uniquely can give to the wo...
CHARLES HANDY

Our mothers knew we were OK when we were at the Y.
DOT HANDY

The companies that survive longest are the one's that work out what they uniquely can give to th...
CHARLES HANDY

Fair Park has been totally dominating teams from the second period on all year.
LOUIS HANDY

Their point guard is salty. We've got to eliminate some of his talents and make them play another st...
LOUIS HANDY

You don't bail on something you've had success with all season. I was hoping we could get back on tr...
LOUIS HANDY

They were, as I anticipated, a good ball club. They executed all the particulars, the little small t...
LOUIS HANDY

My confidence has really been boosted back up to where it should be. In the beginning of the season,...
KAMERON HANDY

At the half, we thought we were going to come out and close it out like we usually do.
KAMERON HANDY

We were trying everything (defensively). Man, 3-2, 2-3? They were just on fire. But that's how it is...
KAMERON HANDY

It was important for me to get in. I didn't show up to practice yesterday and I just had to prove my...
KAMERON HANDY

We're trying to make sure that if the average student wants to go to higher education that there wil...
PHILIP HANDY

It's first at this point in time. We haven't had an integrated stack like this before.
SCOTT HANDY

The customers we have been dealing with have been asking us to approach Linux with an eye toward int...
SCOTT HANDY

In a broad sense there are a lot of people working on the elusive nirvana of cross-platform developm...
SCOTT HANDY

Setting my mind on a musical instrument was like falling in love. All the world seemed bright and ch...
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

I knew the whistle of each of the river boats on the Tennessee.
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

The name of my ailment was longing, and it was not cured till I finally went to the department store...
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

Whenever I heard the song of a bird and the answering call of its mate, I could visualize the notes ...
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

I think America concedes that true American music has sprung from the Negro.
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

You've got to appreciate the things that come from the art of the Negro and from the heart of th...
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

Nature was my kindergarten.
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

The blues - the sound of a sinner on revival day.
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

The moment will arrive when you are comfortable with who you are, and what you are– bald or old or...
CHARLES B. HANDY

Life is something like a trumpet. If you don't put anything in, you won't get anything out.
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

Life is like a trumpet - if you don't put anything into it, you don't get anything out of it...
WILLIAM CHRISTOPHER HANDY

Many artists and writers have used cannabis for creative stimulation - from the writers of the world...
JACK HERER

I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.
JACK WHITEHALL

With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and 60.
JACK NICHOLSON

The financial crisis is a stark reminder that transparency and disclosure are essential in today'...
JACK REED

The only two things you can truly depend upon are gravity and greed.
JACK PALANCE

Perfectionists are their own devils.
JACK KIRBY

Control your own destiny or someone else will.
JACK WELCH

I believe that people make their own luck by great preparation and good strategy.
JACK CANFIELD

If you pick the right people and give them the opportunity to spread their wings and put compensatio...
JACK WELCH

Mankind is like dogs, not gods - as long as you don't get mad they'll bite you - but stay ma...
JACK KEROUAC

If I have a weakness, it's probably ice cream. That's where I get lax, sloppy. I'll snea...
JACK NICKLAUS

It was only after the Grimms published two editions primarily for adults that they changed their att...
JACK ZIPES

Though the Grimms kept about 100 of the tales from the first edition, they changed them a good deal.
JACK ZIPES

In 1995, I founded a storytelling program for children called Neighborhood Bridges in collaboration ...
JACK ZIPES

I have a daughter, Hanna, and I never read fairy tales to her. But I did tell her bedtime tales and ...
JACK ZIPES

'Once Upon a Time', 'Mirror Mirror' - those shows and films focus on women and their...
JACK ZIPES

Fairy tales are with us day in and day out, not just in commercials, but references in the theater, ...
JACK ZIPES

The Grimm collections were never intended for children. Not because kids were excluded, but because ...
JACK ZIPES

Almost every single commercial on television for shampoo, sports shoes, drinks, food, clothes, perfu...
JACK ZIPES

What the Greeks and Romans considered myths, we consider fairy tales. We can see how very clearly th...
JACK ZIPES

Until I was diagnosed with mouth cancer, I'd never heard of it.
JACK WILD

I guess I'll go to my grave as the Dodger, but at least I've made my mark on show-business h...
JACK WILD

I'm thought of as a celebrity. Everything I've ever done... has been for children. As long a...
JACK WILD

I look at what I've gone through in my career and I really shouldn't be talking to you now. ...
JACK WILD

I'd definitely be up for 'EastEnders.' Just the same as I would if 'Coronation Stree...
JACK WILD

It's very hard not to let fame affect you because you are continually being told how good you ar...
JACK WILD

There is no buzz like performing for a live audience.
JACK WILD

At an age when most youngsters are preparing for their GCSEs, I was suddenly a jet-setter, briefly t...
JACK WILD

My lifestyle had made me a walking time bomb.
JACK WILD

I know who Jack Whittaker is. And some days I don't like who I am.
JACK WHITTAKER

It doesn't bother me because I can tell everyone to kiss off.
JACK WHITTAKER

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

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Jack Handy

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Jack Handy

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