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At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a 'slam-dunk solution' to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.


Andy Borowitz

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ANDY SAMBERG Well, basically, when you get SNL, everyone wants to take a meeting, just in case you end up being g...
ANDY SAMBERG Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to any class.
ANDY SAMBERG No matter how much it's growing, the Internet still is a pretty specific demographic. It doesn&#...
ANDY SAMBERG It's weird to have people so interested in your personal life. It's a part of the business t...
ANDY SAMBERG I'm a big Letterman fan.
ANDY SAMBERG I've always felt that if something is polarizing, that's usually the stuff I like the most. ...
ANDY SAMBERG I used to stay up at night and sneak into the TV room, past my parents, who were asleep, to watch Sa...
ANDY SAMBERG A sign now of success with a certain audience when you do a short comedy piece, anywhere, is that it...
ANDY SAMBERG If had a penny for every strange look I've gotten from strangers on the street I'd have abou...
ANDY SAMBERG I'm a tearless clown. If I were to get a tattoo, it would be the two masks, and they would be bo...
ANDY SAMBERG That is a strange phenomenon, people pretending to be other people.
ANDY SAMBERG You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life....
ANDY SAMBERG Isn't life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?
ANDY WARHOL What's great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumer...
ANDY WARHOL Great creativity is astonishingly, absurdly, rationally, irrationally powerful.
ANDY HOBSBAWM When I started playing the bass, I became kind of fascinated by it and started investigating various...
ANDY ROURKE Obviously Madison Memorial is the better team. And that's the bottom line.
ANDY POLKA I was with all of the guys today, and we were all just talking about how excited we are. Everyone el...
ANDY POLKA The third time is the best when you are a senior. But every year is different.
ANDY POLKA (Randall) challenged us. We definitely came out soft. He didn't tell us to make any changes, he told...
ANDY POLKA He was real nervous. I took off my jacket, put him on the ground and wrestled with him for about ten...
ANDY PIPHER The way I'm looking at it at the moment and the impression that I'm getting from the people in Canad...
ANDY PICK A chance, as a coach, to take a team to the World Cup finals is probably as high up the tree as it g...
ANDY PICK