At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a 'slam-dunk solution' to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.

Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or gum.

Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving Prison,

I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.

I think the reason that satire is on the rise is because the real news is so bad right now, ... I'd love it if we lived in a world where there was nothing to satire, but given this world, people need satire and comedy right now. ... [Humor] enables us to look at the horrible things going on and survive [them].

I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.