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Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving Prison,


Andy Borowitz

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DOUGLAS ADAMS One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit o...
DOUGLAS ADAMS Kompjuter je samom sebi zbrinuto zaćeretao primijetivši da se jedna zračna komora otvorila i zati...
DOUGLAS ADAMS In the beginning the Universe was created.
This had made many people very angry and has been wi...
DOUGLAS ADAMS There was a terribly ghastly silence.
There was a terribly ghastly noise.
There was a terr...
DOUGLAS ADAMS Get over yourselves with the coffee. You know, we all have it. It's like being famous for mustard or...
ANDY BOROWITZ I am resigning effective immediately. Bo Derek will become the new vice president.
ANDY BOROWITZ I think the reason that satire is on the rise is because the real news is so bad right now, ... I'd ...
ANDY BOROWITZ I feel like Cal Ripken or something, ... This insanity is all self-imposed.
ANDY BOROWITZ I wanted to get away from big, expensive network projects, ... so I moved to New York and I did noth...
ANDY BOROWITZ At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gaso...
ANDY BOROWITZ Army Offers to Pay Recruits in Gasoline.
ANDY BOROWITZ After Sept. 11, I didn't write a piece for a couple of days because I thought people wouldn't want m...
ANDY BOROWITZ Britney is one of our great comedians. She has been hilarious,
ANDY BOROWITZ Marvin was humming ironically because he hated humans so much.
DOUGLAS ADAMS The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizab...
DOUGLAS ADAMS God's Final Message to His Creation:
'We apologize for the inconvenience.
DOUGLAS ADAMS This Arthur Dent," comes the cry from the furthest reaches of the galaxy, and has even now been foun...
DOUGLAS ADAMS The CEOs who do this are people who have never failed at anything.
TED KENNEDY Dumb luck brought on the move from business to acting. I had moved to New York when I was 23, in the...
TEDDY SEARS Arthur lay in startled stillness on the acceleration couch. He wasn't certain whether he had just go...
DOUGLAS ADAMS The best people to go out and talk to CEOs are other CEOs.
BRETT SCIOTTO I want to reach everybody, from the little girls who are 3 years old, to the grandmother who watches...
THALIA It was the late '70s when my parents met. My dad was a lighting director for a soap opera, and m...
MEGHAN MARKLE I'll either play for Huggins or Andy Kennedy. When I came here, that's who I intended to play for. S...
ERIC HICKS Well, I wouldn't say that this experience had any influence on my decision to do this film about...
MILOS FORMAN He would have felt safe if alongside the Dentrassis' underwear, the piles of Sqornshellous mattresse...
DOUGLAS ADAMS Marvin trudged on down the corridor, still moaning. "...and then of course I've got this terrible pa...
DOUGLAS ADAMS The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they we...
DOUGLAS ADAMS I used to listen to the soap operas with my grandmother.
BOB EDWARDS They were boxing in Andy all night with a defender in front of him and behind him so we moved him ou...
JEFF PARSONS Soap?"
"School of America in Paris" he explains. "SOAP".
Nice. My father sent me here to b...
STEPHANIE PERKINS I didn't go out for a soap until I moved to New York. I wasn't even considering soaps, but m...
TREVOR ST. JOHN Andy was kind enough to fly back there with me, ... Andy was there trying to help me. . . . My dad w...
GENE TAYLOR It seemed to me,' said Wonko the Sane, 'that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to ne...
DOUGLAS ADAMS I choose not to think of my life as surviving, but coping.
LORNA LUFT Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and ...
DOUGLAS ADAMS Dumb luck brought on the move from business to acting. I had moved to New York when I was 23, in the...
TEDDY SEARS If I pop everyone who calls me a diva then I'm going to spend the rest of my life in prison.
CHAKA KHAN Oh, I'm a survivor. My whole life has been surviving.
EDDIE BRACKEN One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to d...
DOUGLAS ADAMS The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins. They are so much brighter that they ...
TERRY PRATCHETT Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
FRANKLIN P. JONES There's more to life than just surviving . . . but . . . sometimes just surviving is all you get
CHARLES DE LINT The candle burns not for us, but for all those whom we failed to rescue from prison, who were shot o...
PETER BENENSON CEOs have to take these communications seriously.
GEORGE MCGRATH Oh, I'm a survivor. My whole life has been surviving.
EDDIE BRACKEN Honest conviction is my courage; the Constitution is my guide.
ANDREW JOHNSON In prison, you get the chance to see who really loves you.
SUGE KNIGHT Who art a light to guide, a rod To check the erring, and reprove.
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH Let he who would be moved to convince others, be first moved to convince himself.
THOMAS CARLYLE My grandma told me never, ever, ever to use soap on my face. But I do use lotion.
NATALIA KILLS Those terrible rows over who inherits what are not restricted to novels, soap operas or the families...
ANN KENT My dad became a soap opera actor, and I was an extra in a skating rink scene on the soap. I didn'...
JENNIFER ANISTON One who is not moved by words is rarely moved by the stick.
VIKRANT PARSAI Buddha guides my thoughts, but it's up to me to guide my life.
ANTHONY T. HINCKS I was 11 and watching soap operas with my mom, and I thought it would be cool to be an actor. I thou...
BRITT ROBERTSON My soap operas have been seen by a billion people all around the world.
THALIA I devoted my career to building an affinity with my fans who have supported me unflinchingly and no ...
FOXY BROWN Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison. It...
EVELYN WAUGH Whenever I played Columbus, Ohio, I dropped in to see my close friend, a medium who had mysterious p...
ETHEL WATERS At the end of the day, both men and women who become CEOs have showed tenacity and hard work to succ...
SUSAN WOJCICKI A doctor, a logician and a marine biologist had also just arrived, flown in at phenomenal expense fr...
DOUGLAS ADAMS It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."
"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards...
DOUGLAS ADAMS Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost...
DOUGLAS ADAMS Having solved all the major mathematical, physical, chemical, biological, sociological, philosophica...
DOUGLAS ADAMS What she doesn't realize is that I have survived for her as well -- and only now am I beginning to s...
DANI SHAPIRO She looked up. "What I can't figure out is why the good things always end."
"Everything ends."<...
TOREY L. HAYDEN Everyone starts as a sales representative, from entry level to the CEOs.
SARAH ANDRUS Reality becomes a prison to those who can't get out of it
JOYCE CARY I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.
KATE O'BRIEN The Andy Griffith Show.
ANDY GRIFFITH You love me. You ignore me. You save my life, then you cook my mother into soap.
CHUCK PALAHNIUK I did almost a year in prison, a year in prison, just because my name is Foxy Brown.
FOXY BROWN He who opens a school door, closes a prison.
VICTOR HUGO It's the insider's guide. Who better to tell you the tips to get into grad school than the person wh...
MARGOT LESTER Perfectionism, twenty five long years my prison
DANIEL ROBERT O'NEILL I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be...
ADAM CLAYTON POWELL III To become a celebrity is to become a brand name. There is Ivory Soap, Rice Krispies, and Philip Roth...
PHILIP ROTH I think of my brother just out of prison again. He will have spent ten years of the last 30 in priso...
DANIEL BERRIGAN Only the man who has known freedom
Can define his prison.
CATHERINE FISHER Where visionaries can be good at persuasion, CEOs are good at wielding authority. Visionaries transc...
ROBERT METCALFE GOD of truth, be Thou alone my guide…
SWAMI VIVEKANANDA O God guide my steps in every circumstance.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA I moved away once because my wife went to Oklahoma. I moved to Oklahoma twice and at that time my wi...
JEFF CARTY Greed has increasingly become a virtue among Wall Street bankers and corporate CEOs in the U.S. Nowh...
SIMON MAINWARING He who does not know his way to the sea should take a river for his guide.
BLAISE PASCAL Ah! were I sever'd from thy side, Where were thy friend and who my guide? Years have not seen...
LORD BYRON (GEORGE GORDON NOEL BYRON) I'm surviving a life-threatening illness. Many do not, such as those without celebrity and fortune w...
PATTY DUKE Soap Talk.
ELLEN DEGENERES He who sells what isn't his'n, Must buy it back or go to prison
DANIEL DREW I've turned down soap and deodorant commercials - it wasn't my route.
MITCH GAYLORD Women like myself, CEOs, can pave the way for more women to get to the top.
ANDREA JUNG In my country we go to prison first and then become President.
NELSON MANDELA He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentenc...
OGDEN NASH At the heart of this all is Andy - was Andy. That's what she loved, helping people one at a time.
DOUG ANDERSON I really fought to make my character not a stereotype. I play a soap star with dyed blonde hair.
SADIE FROST The people who love you will guide you like bright lights into the other worlds.
JOSEPHINE ANGELINI I was named after my grandfather, and he was always called Andy. I don't like it.
ANDY WILLIAMS CEOs who can hire properly, that's the most important part of the job. The CEO's job is real...
BILL MARIS

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ANDY WARHOL They say a lot of women would like to see me naked, but there's not a lens long enough for that.
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ANDY WARHOL They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
ANDY WARHOL They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself
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ANDY WEIR I guess you could call it a "failure", but I prefer the term "learning experience".
ANDY WEIR In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.
ANDY WARHOL Call me All-American, but I love Ham and Cheese sandwiches. And not just any old ham and cheese sand...
ANDY RODDICK When you are younger, you are running on that pure naive adrenalin, you don't have any real resp...
ANDY TAYLOR Dinner 'conversation' at the Cohens' meant my sister, mom, and I relaying in brutal deta...
ANDY COHEN Gollum was so interesting to me because he's morally ambivalent, and I love the notion of a ques...
ANDY SERKIS My favorite sounds are the high, spacey ones that are very ambient.
ANDY SUMMERS I got bitten by the free software bug in February of 1998 around the time of the Mozilla announcemen...
ANDY HERTZFELD I'm in the early stages of a film called 'Freezing Time' about Eadweard Muybridge, the V...
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ANDY SERKIS My livelihood depends on the art of animators.
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ANDY SERKIS Let's make a statement to the airlines just to get their attention. We'll pick a week next y...
ANDY ROONEY There are all kinds of addictions, and I've got every single one. If you set me in front of anyt...
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ANDY WARHOL Because homecoming came first, and there was the homecoming court. The five guys on homecoming court...
ANDY RICHTER Congress will pass a law restricting public comment on the Internet to individuals who have spent a ...
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ANDY GROVE I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, an...
ANDY KINDLER Human beings are born solitary, but everywhere they are in chains - daisy chains - of interactivity....
ANDY WARHOL The government is also looking at further benefits including enhanced capital allowances; the use of...
ANDY SAWFORD Guys that preach verse-by-verse through books of the Bible - that is just cheating. It's cheatin...
ANDY STANLEY There will be very few occasions when you are absolutely certain about anything. You will consistent...
ANDY STANLEY Being good in business is the most fascinating kind of art. Making money is art and working is art a...
ANDY WARHOL Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art.
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ANDY ROONEY I have a spiritual advisor I call up, when I just feel lost. Lately, I've been talking to God. I...
ANDY DICK Gorillas have a belch vocalization, which is sort of like, 'I'm OK, you're OK.' They...
ANDY SERKIS There are parts of New Zealand that I absolutely fell in love with that I will miss going back to, b...
ANDY SERKIS It was a fairly happy childhood. My father was working away, and my mum brought up five kids all on ...
ANDY SERKIS That's why I ended up going to Lancaster University, because they had a visual arts course, and ...
ANDY SERKIS Gollum is entirely based on the notion of addiction. The way that the ring pervades him, makes him c...
ANDY SERKIS Yeah, I mean, climbing's always been a massive hobby of mine up until, kind of, recent times whe...
ANDY SERKIS I do love nature, but I don't suppose I'd spent more time in zoos as a child than anyone els...
ANDY SERKIS I play saxophone, I play tenor sax.
ANDY SERKIS You never really know why you become an actor: it's a visceral thing, an emotional thing.
ANDY SERKIS Our family were outsiders, and I've always had a sense of the outsider, the underdog, and a stro...
ANDY SERKIS Thank God for Skype!
ANDY SERKIS Gollum is Gollum - though in 'Lord of the Rings' he's 600 years old and in 'The Hobb...
ANDY SERKIS I've always thought of acting as a tool to change society. I watch a lot of actors and I see pan...
ANDY SERKIS I do listen to myself sometimes and think, 'Is my moral compass so easily swayed by the characte...
ANDY SERKIS People think, 'Oh, well how can 'The Hobbit,' which is one book, become three films?'...
ANDY SERKIS Everybody thinks performance capture is about thrashing around and doing a lots of movement, but it&...
ANDY SERKIS I believe that when people experience an event as a community, it can transcend and change people...
ANDY SERKIS Actors' performances in films are enhanced in a million different ways, down to the choice of ca...
ANDY SERKIS Gorilla tourism is vital to Rwanda's economy: It's the third highest source of income.
ANDY SERKIS I don't see a difference between playing a performance capture role and a live action role, they...
ANDY SERKIS Be magnificent. Life's short. Get out there. You can do it. Everyone can do it. Everyone.
ANDY SERKIS Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don...
ANDY ROONEY The Internet is for haters. Everyone wants to knock somebody down, but it's cool.
ANDY COHEN One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day...
ANDY ROONEY When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
ANDY ROONEY I think Heaven and afterlife is for the living; it's for the people that continue on and remembe...
ANDY BIERSACK They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
ANDY WARHOL Snow provokes responses that reach right back to childhood.
ANDY GOLDSWORTHY We teach about how to drive in school, but not how to manage finances.
ANDY WILLIAMS In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.
ANDY WARHOL Don't pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.
ANDY WARHOL You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.
ANDY KINDLER If I watch an episode of SNL, and there's one thing that I liked, then that's a good episode...
ANDY SAMBERG Obviously, SNL has a lot of viewers, but the potential for a movie is through the roof.
ANDY SAMBERG Well, basically, when you get SNL, everyone wants to take a meeting, just in case you end up being g...
ANDY SAMBERG Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you don't have to go to any class.
ANDY SAMBERG No matter how much it's growing, the Internet still is a pretty specific demographic. It doesn&#...
ANDY SAMBERG It's weird to have people so interested in your personal life. It's a part of the business t...
ANDY SAMBERG I'm a big Letterman fan.
ANDY SAMBERG I've always felt that if something is polarizing, that's usually the stuff I like the most. ...
ANDY SAMBERG I used to stay up at night and sneak into the TV room, past my parents, who were asleep, to watch Sa...
ANDY SAMBERG A sign now of success with a certain audience when you do a short comedy piece, anywhere, is that it...
ANDY SAMBERG If had a penny for every strange look I've gotten from strangers on the street I'd have abou...
ANDY SAMBERG I'm a tearless clown. If I were to get a tattoo, it would be the two masks, and they would be bo...
ANDY SAMBERG That is a strange phenomenon, people pretending to be other people.
ANDY SAMBERG You are graduating from college. That means that this is the first day of the last day of your life....
ANDY SAMBERG Isn't life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?
ANDY WARHOL What's great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumer...
ANDY WARHOL Great creativity is astonishingly, absurdly, rationally, irrationally powerful.
ANDY HOBSBAWM When I started playing the bass, I became kind of fascinated by it and started investigating various...
ANDY ROURKE Obviously Madison Memorial is the better team. And that's the bottom line.
ANDY POLKA I was with all of the guys today, and we were all just talking about how excited we are. Everyone el...
ANDY POLKA The third time is the best when you are a senior. But every year is different.
ANDY POLKA (Randall) challenged us. We definitely came out soft. He didn't tell us to make any changes, he told...
ANDY POLKA He was real nervous. I took off my jacket, put him on the ground and wrestled with him for about ten...
ANDY PIPHER The way I'm looking at it at the moment and the impression that I'm getting from the people in Canad...
ANDY PICK A chance, as a coach, to take a team to the World Cup finals is probably as high up the tree as it g...
ANDY PICK