A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
ERMA BOMBECK I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a s...
ERMA BOMBECK If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn'...
ERMA BOMBECK Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
ERMA BOMBECK Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly ad...
ERMA BOMBECK Children make your life important.
ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout...
ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrige...
ERMA BOMBECK In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
ERMA BOMBECK When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth ...
ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.
ERMA BOMBECK There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
ERMA BOMBECK But doctor, where is the umbilical cord? New technology, it's wireless.
ERMA BOMBECK When inspiration does not come to me, I go halfway to meet it.
ERMA BOMBECK Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice' ?
ERMA BOMBECK You already know something you don't even know that you know.
ERMA BOMBECK Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popula...
ERMA BOMBECK God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.
ERMA BOMBECK I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
ERMA BOMBECK How does a doctor feel when he loses a patient in the emergency room? The same way a child feels wh...
ERMA BOMBECK I finally found a doctor with a lot of patients, and he didn't have any patience to listen to me.
ERMA BOMBECK What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hol...
ERMA BOMBECK Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
ERMA BOMBECK It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
ERMA BOMBECK It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
ERMA BOMBECK There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
ERMA BOMBECK Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times...
ERMA BOMBECK What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when...
ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time...
ERMA BOMBECK I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearin...
ERMA BOMBECK My type of humor is almost pure identification. A housewife reads my column and says, 'But that's ha...
ERMA BOMBECK We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know how it was before, so t...
ERMA BOMBECK Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned,...
ERMA BOMBECK If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
ERMA BOMBECK Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
ERMA BOMBECK My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed un...
ERMA BOMBECK Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity...
ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigera...
ERMA BOMBECK Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
ERMA BOMBECK When God was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. An angel nearby said, What kind of fath...
ERMA BOMBECK You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're mergi...
ERMA BOMBECK Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's...
ERMA BOMBECK Never accept a drink from a Urologist.
ERMA BOMBECK I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food.
ERMA BOMBECK It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer ...
ERMA BOMBECK Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
ERMA BOMBECK It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. -Erma Bombeck.
ERMA BOMBECK Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
ERMA BOMBECK It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding...
ERMA BOMBECK Skiing: I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill
ERMA BOMBECK I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food
ERMA BOMBECK Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contempora...
ERMA BOMBECK No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their...
ERMA BOMBECK It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffe...
ERMA BOMBECK It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
ERMA BOMBECK By the age of six the average child will have completed the basic American education.... From televi...
ERMA BOMBECK My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
ERMA BOMBECK I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
ERMA BOMBECK Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer.
ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold ...
ERMA BOMBECK Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dream...
ERMA BOMBECK One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ...
ERMA BOMBECK I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I...
ERMA BOMBECK For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my hu...
ERMA BOMBECK Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It&#...
ERMA BOMBECK The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
ERMA BOMBECK Never have more children than you have car windows.
ERMA BOMBECK Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it w...
ERMA BOMBECK Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gift...
ERMA BOMBECK Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ...
ERMA BOMBECK Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you...
ERMA BOMBECK When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of ta...
ERMA BOMBECK Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
ERMA BOMBECK Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
ERMA BOMBECK Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
ERMA BOMBECK I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a st...
ERMA BOMBECK People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same...
ERMA BOMBECK On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the s...
ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
ERMA BOMBECK Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog ...
ERMA BOMBECK My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are u...
ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the...
ERMA BOMBECK I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
ERMA BOMBECK Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
ERMA BOMBECK In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for...
ERMA BOMBECK Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoo...
ERMA BOMBECK All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white...
ERMA BOMBECK Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians ...
ERMA BOMBECK When humor goes, there goes civilization.
ERMA BOMBECK There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
ERMA BOMBECK It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows
ERMA BOMBECK I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from...
ERMA BOMBECK For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
ERMA BOMBECK God created man, but I could do better.
ERMA BOMBECK House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
ERMA BOMBECK If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
ERMA BOMBECK I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got ...
ERMA BOMBECK As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I ...
ERMA BOMBECK In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
ERMA BOMBECK I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many fa...
ERMA BOMBECK A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for ...
ERMA BOMBECK Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if ...
ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK If I had my life to live over...

Someone asked me the other day if I had my life t...
ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after s...
ERMA BOMBECK When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if...
ERMA BOMBECK I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . .
ERMA BOMBECK Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely.
ERMA BOMBECK Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents nev...
ERMA BOMBECK When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
ERMA BOMBECK You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, ...
ERMA BOMBECK Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
ERMA BOMBECK I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
ERMA BOMBECK I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've nev...
ERMA BOMBECK The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are thre...
ERMA BOMBECK In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
ERMA BOMBECK Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
ERMA BOMBECK Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
ERMA BOMBECK If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
ERMA BOMBECK When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others
ERMA BOMBECK When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog...
ERMA BOMBECK Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
ERMA BOMBECK A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
ERMA BOMBECK I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. BY all accou...
ERMA BOMBECK Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And f...
ERMA BOMBECK Never order food in excess of your body weight.
ERMA BOMBECK The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to...
ERMA BOMBECK No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
ERMA BOMBECK It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all ...
ERMA BOMBECK Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a phone call before lunch...
ERMA BOMBECK I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself."
ERMA BOMBECK You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if...
ERMA BOMBECK Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one t...
ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the...
ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
ERMA BOMBECK I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 dire...
ERMA BOMBECK Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten...
ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right.
ERMA BOMBECK I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.
ERMA BOMBECK My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerato...
ERMA BOMBECK Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishe...
ERMA BOMBECK It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have ...
ERMA BOMBECK The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
ERMA BOMBECK Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the k...
ERMA BOMBECK A child develops individuality long before he discovers taste
ERMA BOMBECK Housework can kill you if done right
ERMA BOMBECK People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same...
ERMA BOMBECK I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ''Checkout Ti...
ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had ...
ERMA BOMBECK If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
ERMA BOMBECK There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's...
ERMA BOMBECK Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
ERMA BOMBECK The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect ...
ERMA BOMBECK Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but moth...
ERMA BOMBECK I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying "Open!"...
ERMA BOMBECK Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work...
ERMA BOMBECK Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned...
ERMA BOMBECK At some point in your life if you're lucky you throw practicality to the wind and start living.
ERMA BOMBECK There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've...
ERMA BOMBECK Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that ...
ERMA BOMBECK For years [my wedding ring] has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my ...
ERMA BOMBECK Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
ERMA BOMBECK Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls ...
ERMA BOMBECK If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?
ERMA BOMBECK Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until...
ERMA BOMBECK There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
ERMA BOMBECK One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of ...
ERMA BOMBECK Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
ERMA BOMBECK There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it...
ERMA BOMBECK I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
ERMA BOMBECK How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
ERMA BOMBECK What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
ERMA BOMBECK Never let anyone treat you like regular glue. You're glitter glue.
ERMA BOMBECK As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all...
ERMA BOMBECK You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth.
ERMA COHEN Companions were not allowed to lie. I don’t know why. I had tried a few times when I was young to ...
ERMA I TALAMANTE